learning contentment....

Whew,these past few weeks since I have started my sophomore year of college online, and my first fall at Camp Joy El have been a whirlwind of emotions, things learned, pain, confusion, truth, honesty, and the Lord gently speaking to my heart, as I screamed back at him for answers to my life. Let me give you a big picture of my situation.

At one time I was a high school senior with big dreams to graduate early, attend Lancaster Bible College for children's ministry, and then after 4 years of learning, making life-long friendships, and being challenged by professors I would settle down, get married, and go into children's ministry of some sort. Well that dream shifted when I wasn't encouraged to attend college my first year out of high school and instead take online courses. So my new revised dream was then to take online courses through LBC and transfer up the next year, already having some courses under my belt. It was virtually the same dream, with just a slight detour and it made perfect sense until my old job cut my hours and I grew weary of cleaning hotel rooms and setting up meeting rooms. I knew I had gifting beyond housekeeping. So I pursued a job at a local ministry, not entirely sure what I would end up with. Well I ended up with more of a career than a job in the long run, something that I couldn't easily quit to attend college. Initially I was so excited! I had my dream job, was still taking classes and getting an education and it all seemed right. Until I finished my first year with only 15 credits under my belt due to the online system at LBC, and that old dream still resounding within my soul. I transferred to Liberty Online over the summer, in hopes to finish my degree faster, only to be disappointed with my classes within the first week. I wasn't learning as much as I did through LBC and I wasn't being challenged like I thought I could be. Also after living at camp for almost 10 weeks strait I had no desire to return to work. I needed time to think. So I took a week off, in hopes it would help me clear my mind and get re-focused, instead it only made me long for something different all the more. Starting sophomore this year and returning to work has been one of the longest and hardest moments I've had in a long time. It was something I had no choice in, but at the same time I had complete control over. This was what I chose right? Although it's not what I wanted, it seemed the best alternative...but I couldn't get past my broken and shattered dreams of what my life was going to look like after high-school. The life I wanted isn't what I had. I was unhappy with myself and feeling like a failure, I was unhappy with my parents for not being like other parents who push their children out the door to college,I was unhappy with work because I felt it was to fault for my inability to go away to college, I was unhappy with God for not giving me the desires of my heart. My dreams were inevitably crushed. Until one day recently I was talking with a friend about dreams and college and work in a very general way and he asked how work was going. I responded with a general "it's great, but not somewhere I want to be forever. I'd still like to go away to college." To which he responded with "well why do you want to go to college?" A simple question, but his meaning behind it was much deeper than what it would seem. Why did I want to go to college? Most people go to college to get an education so they can get a job in their field of study. I was getting a college education and already had a job in my field of study. He then asked me if I wasn't going to stay in camping ministries, working with children, what was the job I was aiming for. I couldn't give him an answer. Never in my life have I had such a wake up call when it comes to my dreams. In reality I have arrived at my destination earlier than I anticipated, only to be disappointed, where most kids my age would be ecstatic. What was wrong with me? I took a few more weeks to ponder this, which brings me to present time...

I was hit with reality this week, that even if I attended college at this point, my purpose behind it is partially to make friends. And by the time I attend college as a Jr. those in my grade will have already made friends and built their own community. I would be coming in as a lonely freshman new kid, not something I want to experience as a Jr. I often feel looked down upon because I don't attend a college campus. I feel that people think my education is less than theirs because it's online. I feel held back and smothered within my own community. Once people graduate I thought they were supposed to get out and experience life...a different life, with new and exciting experiences, yet I've felt stuck in a rut unable to push myself out. But I know that when it all comes down to it, God is teaching my contentment. God has continuously brought Galatians 4:11-13 to my mind which states "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." It's learning to be content in whatever the circumstances. Whether things go as planned, or things go crazy. It's about trusting that God is bigger than I am and knowing that through his strength I will be alright no matter the circumstance. It's trusting His will for my life and accepting reality. I've since been growing in my peace about the situation. I've added a class to my second term this semester for more challenge, and I am gradually gaining more purpose and passion at work as well.

But now I have a choice to make. I have an opportunity to get a taste of my once thought long lost dream, and gain great training in leadership, but I am unsure of what it might cost me, and there's always the resounding fear of failure if I try and fall short. I ask that you pray with me as I make some ultimately serious decisions that could make or break me. Please pray for discernment, and confidence in myself to make the choice God wants for my life. This opportunity would be a huge leap of faith for me, but I know that it was the power in the end to change my life for the better. Are you guessing what the opportunity is? Well I can't say yet, but in time it will be revealed.

*Hope*

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. - Romans 8:26-27

What do these two verses do for my life? They show me that especially in my weakest times God is still working powerfully through and in me. I see that even when I don't have any words to pray, the Spirit pleads to the Lord for me. I know that even when I don't know what I need, or what is wrong in my life, he will work according to his will and purpose for my life. I can rest easy at night knowing that I can give up and throw my hands in the air, and God is still there working. He doesn't allow my inadequacies to stop his plan. He doesn't allow my selfishness, my pride, my fear, my age, my gender, my circumstances, nothing will hinder his plan for my life.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

My prayer tonight is that despite everything else in the world that tries to pull me away, shove me down, put out my fire, would not succeed. But that I would remain faithful in my hope in the Lord.

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Anchor

You said open your eyes and
I said I don't like surprises
You said surprise you're up to your knees in the water and don't have a life vest
I know, I know, I know
But don't worry, cause I've got it figured out
You said jump in the boat man
I said no you reach your hand
You said the storms that will come will be more than enough and alone you can not win
You know, you know, you know
With out hope you'll only sink not swim

And the current here is stronger, now then I remember.
And I'm crying for You to help, please save me.

When I feel like I am drifting away
Sinking down, the sands are shifting today
I'm about to lose my way
You Anchor, Anchor me down
Looking out the sky's are turning to gray
All around the tide is pulling away
Just about to lose my way
You Anchor, Anchor me down

You said whatever happens
Don't get caught in the rapids
Hold on I’m over the edge and I’m reaching for help cause I’m caught in the deep end
I know, I know, I know
What you said but I’m in over my head
You said I’m not alone here
I said throw me a rope then
I've had more than enough of the rain
and the cold and I wanna give up and
I know, I know, I know
With out hope I'll only sink not swim

And the current here is stronger now, then I remember,
And I'm I crying for You to help, You save me.

*Satellites and Sirens*