Well I said I was going to try to post after every week of camp, but clearly that didn't happen. This summer was, as I anticipated, one of the hardest summers of my 19 years of existence. I was stretched and challenged beyond my wildest dreams, from defiant campers, to the obstacles of leading my staff more effectively, to my own lack of joy and peace in where I was. It's funny how things can change so quickly. Remember those dreams of going away to school that I gave up to the Lord? Well he clearly didn't desire me to give it up altogether. Towards the middle of the summer, I sensed a shift in my calling unlike anything else I've ever experienced. I couldn't imagine leaving camp, but at the same time I couldn't imagine staying. I was torn from comfort, and thrown into something I've never experienced before. At the time I started fervently praying and seeking the Lord's will, I had no clue where he wanted me to go if I did leave camp. I wanted to do his will and not my own, though. Randomly, my old academic adviser from LBC called me one evening at camp, and starting asking how life was and what I was up to. It turns out he had been thinking of old students who had transferred out or just dropped out and wanted to check in with me. We talked and prayed and I started to get a sense of where God was leading me - away to school! I kept praying, confided in a a few close friends and asked them to pray as well. After some extended time in prayer and consideration, God made it clear what I was to do, no matter how difficult it would be initially.
After having the very hard conversation with my supervisor and letting him know I wanted to be able to train my replacement and end well, I had no clue how soon that end would come. It turns out my last day was October 6th. The two weeks before that I would spend with my replacement, training her in everything that the job entailed. This was all so challenging, and thankfully the Lord provided a job right away that I was able to walk into as soon as I finished at camp. Through this all, I never realized how hard it would be to end well, to give it everything I had up until the last minute. Ending at camp this summer, I did not end well, but ending my time at camp altogether, I feel confident that the Lord enabled me to give it my all. With bittersweet tears streaming down my face on Oct 6th, I walked away, not looking back, but straining to the future and what the Lord had in store for me. I walked away with no regrets, no apprehension, only sadness at leaving what once was my family, and eager anticipation for what the future held.
Since that time I've continued with online classes, which have actually been wonderfully easy this semester, and worked like crazy at the Gap, selling clothing and coordinating the visual aspects of the men's department. It's been a season of learning great contentment, that is for sure. I've never wanted to be a few months down the road as badly as I have this fall, but the Lord has started to do a new thing in my heart now as I prepare for school, which I am excited to share.
I struggle with image and accepting how I look, very much. It's always been a highly important thing to me growing up, but this year has taken it to a new level of obsession, in which I have had no clue how to surrender to the Lord. A friend told me about the Daniel Fast a few weeks ago. She was doing it at the time, and God used it to grow her faith a lot. The Daniel fast is where for 21 days you eat nothing but fruits, vegetables, nuts, whole grains, and other similar foods. Nothing processed, nothing that comes from an animal, nothing that hasn't started out as a seed. And during this fast, you drink only water and lots of it - in fact it says you should drink a half gallon a day! When I first heard about it I didn't think I could do it, but God has been working to draw me to himself and show me his desire for a healthy self image and better eating habits. So today is the first day of my fast, so I can't say much about it yet, but I already feel a sense of challenge, and surrender to the Lord. I am really excited to spend more devoted time in prayer, develop a deeper love for the Lord, read and study His Word more intensely, and ultimately surrender these strongholds to him. I'm learning how to live in the Lord's presence season to season, day to day, moment to moment, even down to the minute. Withholding from myself things like milk-which I love!- and cereal, yogurt, etc, it's a constant reminder of the sacrifice of Christ, and the freedom his sacrifice brings. And it's not a fast where I'm not starving myself, which wouldn't be a positive thing. I would use it to bring myself glory and not the Lord. With this fast, I am eating as Daniel did in the Old Testament book of Daniel. I'm following in the footsteps of a man who held great courage and faith, to grow closer to who the Lord would have me become.
So here's to a new chapter in which I'm sure the Lord will use to teach me new and exciting things as I study to become a children's pastor!
