holes within a heart that is overflowing

I never dreamed that leading would be so difficult. I never imagined that taking charge would provide with so much of a challenge. I never thought that I could grow lonely while being upfront all the time....but I have seen each of these things come to pass within the last week.

I went into this week feeling very out of sorts, and not entirely focused. I couldn't place my finger on why though, but I am beginning to see why. As the Day Camp Coordinator I don't personally get much opportunity to see up close growth with the kids. I hear stories, and see counselors interacting with their kids helping them to grow, but I personally am not the person who gets to see that growth close up. I never realized how much of a struggle this would be for me. I never understood that it would cause me such a deep loneliness. On occasion I will get a glimpse or hear a story that encourages me, but it's not the same as counseling last year. It's hard, but I am learning that it's not where God has placed me this year. He has placed me in leadership to help equip my staff to do the connecting with each camper on their relationship with Christ.

I have also struggled in that with being with day campers the maturity level is lower, and often times the ability to understand and make huge life changing decisions for Christ is not an option. We had senior high camp this week, parallel with Day Camp 2, and the contrast was huge. The senior high campers could make a life choice to live for Christ and they had the freedom and maturity to actually do it. They are more independent and not under control of their parents nearly as much as my day campers. My day campers do not have that option to live for Christ in the same way as the senior high campers. They are still under complete control of their parents. Which is okay, but I have many campers who come from broken, and dysfunctional homes. These campers come to camp, learn about Jesus and go home to parents who use his name as a curse word toward them when they do something wrong. It breaks my heart that I cannot keep these kids with me forever. I feel like just when we start to help these kids to get it and make life changes, we must send them back. My heart overflows with love for these children. When I see them smiling and having fun, when I hear their laughter, when I get hugs and kisses from them, I know that I am in the exact spot Jesus wants me this summer. But as I send them home, a little piece of my heart goes with them.

This has caused quite the large hole to begin forming in my heart...a hole that will only grow larger and larger as the summer progresses if I don't do something soon. I am beginning to realize how desperately I need Jesus to fill that hole forming within my heart. So although the whole within my heart grows from the children coming into and out of my life, Jesus is able to fill that hole within my heart to overflowing.

What started with a deep love for these children, has turned into a life calling. Although I love camp, I am seeing that I will not be able to continue camping ministries forever. My hearts desire, which I completely believe was placed there by my Savior, is to start a home for troubled kids. I don't know if it will be in the US or in another continent entirely....but I want to love on kids and invest in their lives for longer than a week at a time. I want to give kids a safe and loving home that they can come to. I want to teach them about Jesus and his great deep love for them. But for now, I will continue to invest what I can into my summer staff, so that they may then invest into my day campers. I will continue to serve with my whole heart at exactly where God has placed me right now, which is at camp until He leads me elsewhere. We only have but a week with each child, and I'm determined to make each second count for a matter of eternity. I won't allow my own personal struggles to distract from what God has called me to, and what I LOVE to do. I love my kids, I love camp, and I love my staff. And I will continue serving at camp until God leads me elsewhere.

So what about those holes within my heart...well, in time Jesus will patch them up and give me strength to keep pushing on. I am determined to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. Who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

My God is so BIG

My day campers and I sang "my God is so big" every single day this week. Oh how precious my little day campers were; Singing at the top of their lungs and from the bottom of their hearts. Little did I know that I would need that same song to get through the week. It's such a simple little song, but such a powerful song.

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do.
The mountains are his, the valleys are his
The stars are his handiwork too.
My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do!

There were many moments this week where I tried to do things on my own strength, and forgot how big my God really was. Washing clothes, homesick campers, disobedient campers, scared campers, confused staff and three hours of sleep= a very tired Faith. Can I honestly reflect and say that I relied on God at every one of those moments....no. Unfortunately I can see that there were many moments when I relied on myself...which was very stupid of me, because I didn't have anything left within me. But something I've learned working at camp is that when you become tired to the point of exhaustion, the voice of reason within your heart and head is not the easiest to hear, because the voice of whinning is drowning it out. That's when I need someone to step in and tell me to get a grip. Thankfully I have a whole team that can do that for me. I am determined to rely on God fully this next week.

I have found that being in this leadership role is by far one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is the most draining, but also the most rewarding. By the time when my day campers go home, I am exhausted and thankful for a break in the action, but by the next morning when their excited little faces arrive, I am energized by my love for them. I would not want another job in the world right now aside from being with my precious day campers. They are what kept me going this week when I had little sleep and much to do. Their abounding joy and excitement is contagious, spreading to everyone they come in contact with.

I was blessed this week with only 20 day campers. Originally I was bummed at the small numbers, but I loved the one-on-one time I got with each camper. Clay, Teddy, Callin, Sarah Jae, Lydia, Electa, Anika, Alex, Alec, Rachel, Ashlyn, Ryan, Luke, Jayland, Taylor, Jacob, Caleb, Dylan, William, and Bryant. Each one of these children will hold a special place within my heart, and a special place within my prayers. These children are the future leaders of churches, and Christians. I pray to God that they will continue to grow into the wonderful set apart young people I know God has called them to be. This is my prayer for all my day campers past, present, and future.

Week 1 = down, week 2 = here we come!

and it begins....

How can it be that equipping is already over? Can someone pinch me to assure me this is real? Senior staff training starts early tomorrow...and I cannot fathom that this is my last week before my babies...err...campers arrive. :) I need to get in the habit of calling my campers, campers, and not babies.

Anyway, leadership team equipping was so good. It was a great time to bond and connect as a team, understand what is expected of us, and understand what it means to be a leader. Our first day of equipping was spent on the trail and outdoors. I learned that I can be a very driven leader. While leading for part of the hike, I had a few comments made like "We're hiking Faith, not sprinting!". This was great for me to see, because it is a trait that I will have to work on this summer-becoming driven and forgetting about those behind me struggling to keep up. I also learned that I will definitely need help and support from my team throughout the summer. The extent of my camping experience was in campers, cabins, and a tent in my best friends back yard. I knew nothing about roughing it, making food over a fire, not being able to take showers, and sleeping with only a little bit of canvas to separate me from the bugs! I needed the support and wisdom of my team members to help me make it. I love my team so much, and I am so thankful that I have them to lead with this summer. They already mean the world to me, and I know that before the summer is over they will mean even more.

Once we got back to Joy El, and we was able to clean up and start on our sessions. Throughout the sessions we learned about discipleship, evangelism, mentoring, leadership, facilitation, and spiritual multiplication. It has made me really evaluate myself and my previous knowledge. I am so excited to lead activities, connect with kids, lead my staff, and mentor my staff. I am so blessed to be able to serve in this capacity. Most "Christians" will never experience what people who serve at camps experience. It's a whole new world that has captured my heart and sucked me in.

Leading up to the start of equipping, I was so focused on fixing my leadership flaws that I began to forget about my strengths. Something God really revealed to me over the course of last week was that I need to lead from my strengths and be the leader He created me to be. Yes, I need to try to improve my weak areas, but why should I become consumed with my weaknesses when God has blessed me with strengths? Yeah, I might not be the most authoritive leader, but I am very enthusiastic. I may not be the oldest, but I am a deep thinker. I may not be the smartest, wisest, greatest leader, but I have the best example to follow- Jesus. He lead with compassion, love, gentleness, friendship, authority, vision, enthusiasm, firmness, and purpose. He was and is the greatest leader that I could ever learn from.

This summer I will have many opportunities to have a bad attitude and run from things within my role that I don't want to do, but God has called me to strive to be a leader as Christ was a leader. Like Jonah, I could easially run away and totally disobey God's call, but I realize that His plan will be fulfilled whether I obey or not. I'd much rather obey and save myself a few nights in the dark belly of a fish though. He is sovereign and in control, and I am but a tool in His hand. It's more than just being able to say it though, I need to believe it. I have been challenged most this week by making sure my heart is in line with God's. I am excited to see what God is going to do this next week through senior staff training. I know that I will be tested, but though I pass through the fires I will not be burned, though the waters rise I will not drown. God will lift my head and support me when I cannot go on. I praise Jesus, that I don't have to go this summer alone.