I never dreamed that leading would be so difficult. I never imagined that taking charge would provide with so much of a challenge. I never thought that I could grow lonely while being upfront all the time....but I have seen each of these things come to pass within the last week.
I went into this week feeling very out of sorts, and not entirely focused. I couldn't place my finger on why though, but I am beginning to see why. As the Day Camp Coordinator I don't personally get much opportunity to see up close growth with the kids. I hear stories, and see counselors interacting with their kids helping them to grow, but I personally am not the person who gets to see that growth close up. I never realized how much of a struggle this would be for me. I never understood that it would cause me such a deep loneliness. On occasion I will get a glimpse or hear a story that encourages me, but it's not the same as counseling last year. It's hard, but I am learning that it's not where God has placed me this year. He has placed me in leadership to help equip my staff to do the connecting with each camper on their relationship with Christ.
I have also struggled in that with being with day campers the maturity level is lower, and often times the ability to understand and make huge life changing decisions for Christ is not an option. We had senior high camp this week, parallel with Day Camp 2, and the contrast was huge. The senior high campers could make a life choice to live for Christ and they had the freedom and maturity to actually do it. They are more independent and not under control of their parents nearly as much as my day campers. My day campers do not have that option to live for Christ in the same way as the senior high campers. They are still under complete control of their parents. Which is okay, but I have many campers who come from broken, and dysfunctional homes. These campers come to camp, learn about Jesus and go home to parents who use his name as a curse word toward them when they do something wrong. It breaks my heart that I cannot keep these kids with me forever. I feel like just when we start to help these kids to get it and make life changes, we must send them back. My heart overflows with love for these children. When I see them smiling and having fun, when I hear their laughter, when I get hugs and kisses from them, I know that I am in the exact spot Jesus wants me this summer. But as I send them home, a little piece of my heart goes with them.
This has caused quite the large hole to begin forming in my heart...a hole that will only grow larger and larger as the summer progresses if I don't do something soon. I am beginning to realize how desperately I need Jesus to fill that hole forming within my heart. So although the whole within my heart grows from the children coming into and out of my life, Jesus is able to fill that hole within my heart to overflowing.
What started with a deep love for these children, has turned into a life calling. Although I love camp, I am seeing that I will not be able to continue camping ministries forever. My hearts desire, which I completely believe was placed there by my Savior, is to start a home for troubled kids. I don't know if it will be in the US or in another continent entirely....but I want to love on kids and invest in their lives for longer than a week at a time. I want to give kids a safe and loving home that they can come to. I want to teach them about Jesus and his great deep love for them. But for now, I will continue to invest what I can into my summer staff, so that they may then invest into my day campers. I will continue to serve with my whole heart at exactly where God has placed me right now, which is at camp until He leads me elsewhere. We only have but a week with each child, and I'm determined to make each second count for a matter of eternity. I won't allow my own personal struggles to distract from what God has called me to, and what I LOVE to do. I love my kids, I love camp, and I love my staff. And I will continue serving at camp until God leads me elsewhere.
So what about those holes within my heart...well, in time Jesus will patch them up and give me strength to keep pushing on. I am determined to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. Who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
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