here's to another year of God's faithfulness

The say a lot can happen in a short amount of time. A lot has occurred in a years time in my life. I got my job at Joy El Ministries as the Assistant Program Coordinator in January. My dream throughout high-school finally came true. I can now say I've almost completed a year within my role and I'm excited to start implementing things I've learned. The friends and family I've made through my time at Joy El I wouldn't trade for the world. My co-workers are my friends, and my camping team is my family. I know I can cry to them, laugh with them, and even throw a fit from time to time, and they love me unconditionally and push me towards growth in Christ. I've never been so blessed by a job, and I pray any future jobs I have throughout the rest of my life are as amazing as this one has been to me so far.

In February I turned 18 the day after I almost lost my dad to a tragic car accident. Our lives will never be the same from the trial and trauma of that experience. My birthday's will be forever plagued with horrific memories from that fateful day. But I did a lot of growing up during that time. I truly became an adult through the pain and experiences I felt. February was a dark and bitter month for me though...let's just say God has his work cut out for him thawing my hardened heart.

March brought new hope and life as dad recovered, it warmed up outside, my baby niece turned 2, and my best friend Kristen came to visit from Minnesota. It was a joyous month of celebrating life, love, and friendship. God also brought me to a new place in my understanding of his grace when I was asked to join the summer leadership team at camp as the day camp coordinator. There wasn't a better summer job anyone could have offered me.

April came and went quickly with much preparation at camp for the summer. We had Release Time camp days, and I attempted to wrap up the final staffing details for the summer, as well as theme ideas. It was then that God also started to bring to my heart the thought of transferring out of Lancaster Bible College online to Liberty University online.

May also passed with an intensity that easily surpassed April. I was putting in many hours at work, trying to tie up all the lose ends before summer started and campers arrived. Emotionally and mentally I was struggling with a lot of feelings of inadequacy towards my summer position. I had no clue how I was ever going to be able to make it through the summer on leadership team and lead campers and staff towards Christ. I also returned to my old competitive cheerleading squad to fill in for a competition, and God opened my heart to my need to minister to the girls again.

With the heat of June and July, also brought over 1,400 campers to Camp Joy El, along with over 150 hundred staff members. It was a thrill, a rush, it was an unforgettable summer that I will never forget. I learned a lot about being relational, casting a vision for those under my leadership, being intentional, mentoring, staying focused, prioritizing my time, waiting on God's timing, and resting in His peace. I also learned a lot about myself, and those around me. God did mighty things in my life this summer, and I know that He also did it in the lives 183 campers who began a relationship with Him, and the countless others who's lives were changed as they were spurred on to spread the Good News of Christ.

August and September brought a time of weariness and searching for my soul. I started my first few classes at Liberty, and realized that my dream of attending a college wasn't going to happen. I also struggled with going from constant contact with people my age, to very limited interaction. God was very silent during that time, waiting on me to wait on Him again. I was restless and anxious, I felt like I was waiting for something bad to happen, but thankfully nothing that bad has happened yet. I think it was just my own paranoia.

October brought me reality and life again. I started leading worship at my church and was able to start implementing the things I learned in my first few months at camp towards the fall retreats we had. I was very encouraged by my co-workers and my love for the 4.12 leadership training students started to grow. It was also a crazy time in which I wasn't home very much. My work hours were crazy, and out of a two week period I slept in my bed probably 2-3 times.

Just as the fallen leaves of November swirled in the wind, so did my life. I was reminded of my need to be thankful, but I also was struggling with a very full school work load. I had the bright idea to add a class to my second term...note to self...don't ever do that again! I was almost swallowed by my classes, and I got my first ever D...and my second...and my third, until I kicked into overdrive to get an A at the end of the class. Hard work pays off! November was also filled with anticipation for vacation in Disney World with my best friend Kristen, who I hadn't seen since March. November couldn't pass quick enough.

Finally the chill of December settled in as I prepared for our elementary retreat at camp, finals, vacation in Disney World, Christmas, and everything else that comes with the craziness of December. It has been a good month overall, and a sign of God's grace in my life.

A lot has happened this year, I've changed a lot, and my life has changed a lot. I'm told that happens when you grow up. I guess I never realized I was growing up or I didn't have a choice in how fast I did so. This year I have been reminded to wait on God's faithfulness and trust his timing. It's been a rough year at times, but God didn't promise that my life would be easy. He promised that he would be faithful to me. And he has.


"The your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your guard." Isaiah 58:8

Pure Thankfulness

Hmmm...it's that time of year again! Thanksgiving! And leading into thanksgiving I have made a serious commitment to stop whining and stressing and start being thankful for the many blessings God has given me. After a heart to heart conversation with a close friend recently, God helped me to see how self-focused I've been...and at times overly dramatic. On a side note...I am learning that selfishness is something I think I'll deal with forever. Hopefully I'll be able to become more selfless with God's grace and maturity...anyway...So I was talking with my friend...and God really convicted me to examine my life. So I did. I spent some serious time looking over my reactions and responses to situations, how I viewed myself and others, and ultimately how I was responding to God's call on my life. As it turned out, a few weeks before this conversation with my friend, I was talking with an adult whom I respect a lot, and he asked how I was doing. I responded, "stressed, but good nonetheless." He responded with "Faith...you are always stressed". hmmm...this rendered me speechless...I didn't know what to say because it was true. It bothered me but I didn't think too much about it until I had a heart to heart with my friend, and the truth came back to bite me. Then after my 6 month appraisal at work my boss encouraged me to memorize 3 verses on dependence on the Lord, and also write a personal vision, or mission statement. Well these things all sort of came at the same time, and it was clear God was telling me I needed to make an adjustment to my life. So while praying through my mission statement, God really showed me that I was allowing my faith to be determined by my circumstances. But my faith should really be determined by Christ alone...who is UNCHANGING! This reality washed over me for the next few days as I realized just as Christ is unchanging in my life, my stress level and joy should also remind unchanged by life's storms...and that some of life storms didn't really need to be storms. I was making them storms through my overly-emotional perspective. So since this point I have been praying fervently over my mind, as well as a few close friends who I trust with my life. And I must say the work God has been doing in my heart and mind has been amazing. I still have moments where I would just like to start to stress and fret, but God is showing me that something as simple as taking a minute or two to stop breathe/pray can totally transform your life. God has been trying to teach me this all throughout my teenage years, but I haven't been willing to change my life. Well now as an adult I really desire to live a steady and consistent life.

While reading in Ephesians 4 recently, verses 13-6 spoke to me in a way it never has before. It states:
"Until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."

WOW! I do not want to be tossed around by the waves around me, I desire to remain steadfast and grounded. I want to be unified in my faith and knowledge of God. I long to remain joyful in all situations, and I intend to start by nurturing my thankful spirit. The more I can see and recognize the blessings the easier it will be to handle the trials.

So I have a list of 100 things I'm thankful for!
1. the saving grace of Jesus Christ
2. the kenosis of Christ - look it up! amazing!
3. God abounding, everlasting, and unconditional love
4. Galatians 6:9
5. the Holy Spirit dwelling in me.
6. The Bible - specifically my ESV journal Bible
7. the apostle Paul
8. the sound of childrens laughter
9. the love contained in a child's hug
10. Brooklynn Jeanette Dunkle - best niece ever
11. my parents who put up with my independent, zealous, and spirited nature, and love me nonetheless
12. the opportunity to develop a relationship with each of my grandparents and learn from them
13. a job where I am surrounded by like-minded Christ followers
14. a job where I get to interact with children
15. a job where spiritual growth is the focus, not only in our guests lives, but the staff's lives as well
16. the opportunity to grow my mind through college
17. the opportunity to grow spiritually through college
18. campers...FYI - I'm talking about little people
19. Day Campers ....aka Miss Faif's babies!!
20. a youth pastor, Lee Nunemaker, who takes my ranting seriously...most of the time. haha
21. Tanya Pearell - best office buddy ever
22. Steve Rice - best boss I could ever ask for...seriously he's great
23. Mikie Megonnell, a friend like no other
24. 4.12 leadership training program students...they make my life interesting and my heart happy
25. Anielka Patricia Espoinoza Rivera - Compassion child I sponsor
26. Frankley Diaz - Food for the hungry child I sponsor
27. Shannon Garland - she makes cheerleading worthwhile
28. my brother....we may fight but he can almost always make me laugh
29. Rachel Gehman - best cousin ever
30. Sunflowers
31. Janelle Wenger and Diana Stottlemyer - who helped me make it through my first summer on leadership team
32. William Bishop...who holds a very special place in my heart
33. the pain in my life...for it has made me who I am today
34. Matthew 11:28
35. the smell of cinnamon
36. the taste of cinnamon
37. the memories of canning things with my grandma and mom in the summer
38. the smell of books...yes I'm a little weird
39. the ability to read books
40. Music
41. Barlowgirl
42. Hillsong United
43. Candles...for making my house smell goooodd
44. the privilege to get a college education and work in my dream job at the same time
45. that I live in the same house all my life
46. Niagara falls - beautiful!
47. boys...young and old...they make me laugh
48. girls...they like to talk as much as I do!
49. the silence and peace that you feel when it snows late at night
50. tissues - they've gotten my through some tough times
51. Walt Disney - for creating so much imagination and wonder
52. DISNEY WORLD
53. sleep....is wonderful...zzzz....
54. sunsets - because I never wake up early enough for sunrises
55. the colors of the trees against the sky in the fall
56. C.S. Lewis
57. my baby grand piano - seriously a blessing
58. the ability to live within walking distance to 2 grocery stores
59. Eric and Lesi Ludy
60. Christmas lights
61. the glitter I get to wear to cheerleading competitions
62. my VW bettle!! I love my car
63. Smiles
64. a campfire and it's ability to draw people closer together
65. the great camping programs team I get to work with, Steve, Valerie, Josh, and Stephanie
66. the freedom of religion
67. the freedom of speech
68. Camp Joy El summer staff girls 2009 - I miss those times
69. Kristen Marie Urlacher...should have been much higher on this list!! but seriously best friend forever...love you!
70. mentors, leaders, parents, friends, people who have kicked me in the butt spiritually
71. a simple, yet magnificent rainbow
72. thunderstorms
73. the smell of rain
74. photographs
75. pink highlighters
76. purples pens
77. pencils
78. the opportunity/privilege to share Christ with others...also should be much higher up on this list...
79. SHOES
80. air conditioning
81. my name...Faith
82. vanilla lotion
83. pumpkin ice cream
84. Burts bees lip balm
85. honey chamomile tea
86. the privilege to be part of an organization who has seen over 500 children and youth enter into God's family over the past year
87. hot showers
88. my wavy hair
89. the ability to straiten my hair when I want to
90. Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata
91. the ability to sing
92. the ability to graduate a year early
93. my unorganized life, but my ability to organize closets, cabinets, rooms, pretty much any space
94. my ability to love others
95. Modcloth.com -need I say more...
98. sundresses
99. journals and blogs like this that I can reflect upon in years to come
100. the life I've been given to live

well now that I've used a large portion of my study time to post this collection of my thoughts, I must get back to homework. Thanks for listening! :) oh and....Happy Thanksgiving!

Life's what you make it

It has been a long start to this fall, I feel like as quickly as the spring and summer flew by, August and September have seemingly dragged on forever. Thank the Lord, we are finally to October, with my hope that I can now drown myself in work, school, cheerleading, and other various commitments. I recently had my 6 month appraisal with my supervisor at work, who, on a side note, is seriously the best boss I could ever have. But anyway, during this appraisal I was actually able to work through some of my discontent with my present situation and realize that the job I now have is exactly where God wants me. I'm just not where I want me. I've been caught in selfishness. As silly as this may sound, I really do think now that the reason I wanted to go to college so badly is so that I could have a community of friends. I have that community of friends over the summer at camp, but as soon as everyone goes back to college, I remain....lonely and isolated. I never realized how lonely I was until my boss asked me if I had a community of friends outside of the people I'm reaching out to, and those at work and my family. I pondered it only to come up short of an answer. I realize now that I kept myself so busy through high-school with cheerleading, piano lessons, voice lessons, school, and work, that I didn't allow myself to get connected to any sort of community. I didn't allow people inside my little world. I shut them out because I was always too busy to do anything, and finally the friends I once held so dear, gave up on me and moved on to other friends who made time for them. Which leaves me where I'm at now. alone. So I don't think my discontent came from unanswered expectations at all, but from the fact that I'm lonely and tired of being lonely. I'm tired of having friends, but no true friends that are there for me consistently. I'm more of a "when it suits me to hang out because there's no one better to hang out with" friend. Ouch, can you feel the sting? I can. But I did it to myself. I never needed anyone. I thrived on my stressful situation. Somehow as much as I hated being stressed, it became a comfort to me...like some sort of drug...killing me slowly, but I was unable to get free from it despite the harm it was doing me.

So where does that leave me now? Lonely...but determined to rely on the Lord all the more. Paul didn't have very many friends, in fact, during his second imprisonment in Rome all of his friends deserted him and turned away (2 Tim 1:15). But did he stop serving the Lord and become consumed in self-pity? No. And neither will I. I refuse to stop living my life simply because I feel alone, for I know that I am not alone; God is holding me ever so tightly. I know this is preparation, and a test of sorts. God is pushing and challenging me to remain faithful, and I will succeed. You see, a last summer, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I made a commitment to God that the next guy I go into a relationship with will be the one I marry, and I refuse to allow myself to get to that point unless I am absolutely sure that he's the one. I also told God in my anguish that if he wants me to remain single forever I would do so. And since that point there have been many times where I felt at peace with that...unfortunately for my emotions this is not one of those times. But that just means I must remain vigilant in my commitment to wait on God's timing. I believe that if he has someone for me, he will reveal it to me in due time, and I don't need to do anything. I've had many others tell me my standards are too high, that I'm never going to meet the man I desire, that I need to encourage them more, I've heard it all. Sometimes I grow weary of defending myself, and it causes my faith in God's promises to falter. So for any of you out there reading this who have discouraged me, please STOP. I'm done trying to be who everyone else thinks I should be. It's time to be me and just simply me. If a guy isn't man enough to pursue me, he isn't man enough to have me. I want a guy who will fight for me, who will stand up and be a man when he needs to. This world is filled with too many little boys living in grown up bodies, and I refuse to pursue one of these little boys because they won't pursue me. Is that wrong of me? Some say yes, others tell me I'm right on. But I don't care anymore what anyone else says. I know what God has told me and I'm sticking to it. If that means I wait another 10 years (Dear Lord, please no) ....I will....reluctantly, but I will. If that means I must remain single then so be it. I will simply move to Africa and be a mommy to the many orphans that don't have mommies there. In fact I might do so if I have to wait 10 years, or if I have to wait 10 months.

I don't know everything, but I do know that I'm done listening to others, I'm done feeling lonely and sorry for myself, I'm done living a stressful life. Like Miley Cyrus sings...very badly I might add, "Life's what you make it". and I'm going to make it an adventure...an adventure that God uses to impact eternity...

learning contentment....

Whew,these past few weeks since I have started my sophomore year of college online, and my first fall at Camp Joy El have been a whirlwind of emotions, things learned, pain, confusion, truth, honesty, and the Lord gently speaking to my heart, as I screamed back at him for answers to my life. Let me give you a big picture of my situation.

At one time I was a high school senior with big dreams to graduate early, attend Lancaster Bible College for children's ministry, and then after 4 years of learning, making life-long friendships, and being challenged by professors I would settle down, get married, and go into children's ministry of some sort. Well that dream shifted when I wasn't encouraged to attend college my first year out of high school and instead take online courses. So my new revised dream was then to take online courses through LBC and transfer up the next year, already having some courses under my belt. It was virtually the same dream, with just a slight detour and it made perfect sense until my old job cut my hours and I grew weary of cleaning hotel rooms and setting up meeting rooms. I knew I had gifting beyond housekeeping. So I pursued a job at a local ministry, not entirely sure what I would end up with. Well I ended up with more of a career than a job in the long run, something that I couldn't easily quit to attend college. Initially I was so excited! I had my dream job, was still taking classes and getting an education and it all seemed right. Until I finished my first year with only 15 credits under my belt due to the online system at LBC, and that old dream still resounding within my soul. I transferred to Liberty Online over the summer, in hopes to finish my degree faster, only to be disappointed with my classes within the first week. I wasn't learning as much as I did through LBC and I wasn't being challenged like I thought I could be. Also after living at camp for almost 10 weeks strait I had no desire to return to work. I needed time to think. So I took a week off, in hopes it would help me clear my mind and get re-focused, instead it only made me long for something different all the more. Starting sophomore this year and returning to work has been one of the longest and hardest moments I've had in a long time. It was something I had no choice in, but at the same time I had complete control over. This was what I chose right? Although it's not what I wanted, it seemed the best alternative...but I couldn't get past my broken and shattered dreams of what my life was going to look like after high-school. The life I wanted isn't what I had. I was unhappy with myself and feeling like a failure, I was unhappy with my parents for not being like other parents who push their children out the door to college,I was unhappy with work because I felt it was to fault for my inability to go away to college, I was unhappy with God for not giving me the desires of my heart. My dreams were inevitably crushed. Until one day recently I was talking with a friend about dreams and college and work in a very general way and he asked how work was going. I responded with a general "it's great, but not somewhere I want to be forever. I'd still like to go away to college." To which he responded with "well why do you want to go to college?" A simple question, but his meaning behind it was much deeper than what it would seem. Why did I want to go to college? Most people go to college to get an education so they can get a job in their field of study. I was getting a college education and already had a job in my field of study. He then asked me if I wasn't going to stay in camping ministries, working with children, what was the job I was aiming for. I couldn't give him an answer. Never in my life have I had such a wake up call when it comes to my dreams. In reality I have arrived at my destination earlier than I anticipated, only to be disappointed, where most kids my age would be ecstatic. What was wrong with me? I took a few more weeks to ponder this, which brings me to present time...

I was hit with reality this week, that even if I attended college at this point, my purpose behind it is partially to make friends. And by the time I attend college as a Jr. those in my grade will have already made friends and built their own community. I would be coming in as a lonely freshman new kid, not something I want to experience as a Jr. I often feel looked down upon because I don't attend a college campus. I feel that people think my education is less than theirs because it's online. I feel held back and smothered within my own community. Once people graduate I thought they were supposed to get out and experience life...a different life, with new and exciting experiences, yet I've felt stuck in a rut unable to push myself out. But I know that when it all comes down to it, God is teaching my contentment. God has continuously brought Galatians 4:11-13 to my mind which states "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." It's learning to be content in whatever the circumstances. Whether things go as planned, or things go crazy. It's about trusting that God is bigger than I am and knowing that through his strength I will be alright no matter the circumstance. It's trusting His will for my life and accepting reality. I've since been growing in my peace about the situation. I've added a class to my second term this semester for more challenge, and I am gradually gaining more purpose and passion at work as well.

But now I have a choice to make. I have an opportunity to get a taste of my once thought long lost dream, and gain great training in leadership, but I am unsure of what it might cost me, and there's always the resounding fear of failure if I try and fall short. I ask that you pray with me as I make some ultimately serious decisions that could make or break me. Please pray for discernment, and confidence in myself to make the choice God wants for my life. This opportunity would be a huge leap of faith for me, but I know that it was the power in the end to change my life for the better. Are you guessing what the opportunity is? Well I can't say yet, but in time it will be revealed.

*Hope*

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. - Romans 8:26-27

What do these two verses do for my life? They show me that especially in my weakest times God is still working powerfully through and in me. I see that even when I don't have any words to pray, the Spirit pleads to the Lord for me. I know that even when I don't know what I need, or what is wrong in my life, he will work according to his will and purpose for my life. I can rest easy at night knowing that I can give up and throw my hands in the air, and God is still there working. He doesn't allow my inadequacies to stop his plan. He doesn't allow my selfishness, my pride, my fear, my age, my gender, my circumstances, nothing will hinder his plan for my life.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

My prayer tonight is that despite everything else in the world that tries to pull me away, shove me down, put out my fire, would not succeed. But that I would remain faithful in my hope in the Lord.

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Anchor

You said open your eyes and
I said I don't like surprises
You said surprise you're up to your knees in the water and don't have a life vest
I know, I know, I know
But don't worry, cause I've got it figured out
You said jump in the boat man
I said no you reach your hand
You said the storms that will come will be more than enough and alone you can not win
You know, you know, you know
With out hope you'll only sink not swim

And the current here is stronger, now then I remember.
And I'm crying for You to help, please save me.

When I feel like I am drifting away
Sinking down, the sands are shifting today
I'm about to lose my way
You Anchor, Anchor me down
Looking out the sky's are turning to gray
All around the tide is pulling away
Just about to lose my way
You Anchor, Anchor me down

You said whatever happens
Don't get caught in the rapids
Hold on I’m over the edge and I’m reaching for help cause I’m caught in the deep end
I know, I know, I know
What you said but I’m in over my head
You said I’m not alone here
I said throw me a rope then
I've had more than enough of the rain
and the cold and I wanna give up and
I know, I know, I know
With out hope I'll only sink not swim

And the current here is stronger now, then I remember,
And I'm I crying for You to help, You save me.

*Satellites and Sirens*

College is expensive...knowledge is priceless -and other soapbox talks

*Disclaimer- my comments aren't directed towards the entire face of Christianity, but the state that "most" Christians today live in. I do know many strong Christ followers who are not in the least complacent.

I am quickly learning that college is expensive. Can you say "cha ching"? My bank account is especially hurting right now as I have just paid on last years school loan from LBC, and this years tuition from Liberty, and books for my classes which start...dare I say it....tomorrow. I cannot believe that I start my sophomore year tomorrow-can't I please just fly away to neverland and stop growing up? But regardless of my reservations to grow up, I am excited to learn. If there's one thing I've discovered about myself is I love to learn...crazy I know. Reading has always been a favorite hobby of mine, but I just thought it was because I could escape into a fantasy world where there were always "happily ever afters" and good always overcame evil. And although I secretly think that that is still why I read so much growing up and continue to do so, I am starting to see that it stemmed from my love to learn new things. I learned more about history through reading romance novels, than I did sometimes in my text books for grade school. I learned more about God through reading Scriptures and other sound Christian books, that I often did in church. I've learned more about myself and who I desire to be through reading who other people are and were...even if they were made up.

As I was riding home from Lancaster today from a 1st birthday party for my cousins son, I decided I was going to get a head start on my reading for school and finish all my reading assignments for my evangelism class for this first week. As I sat engrossed in the book I was reading- Evangelism is...- I was struck by how much I was focused on this book. I was soaking up the words on the page as the ground soaks up the water after a drought. Knowledge is wonderful, but I have found that it can come with costs. As I paused my reading, I started to ponder the change that has began to occur in me over the past few years. I have become very hardened to complacent churches, lukewarm Christians, and two-faced people. I used to be such a compassionate person. In fact compassion is one of my top three spiritual gifts. But I wondered how I became so hard towards my own people. Parents and friends keep telling me, "Faith, no one is perfect. You have too high of expectations on them." but I just can't shake my frustration towards them. And then I realized where the transformation took place, I have grown in my knowledge and tasted and seen what is good. I've been to the other side and I'm not going back to the way so many Christians live today. And I expect everyone else to follow suit, and when they don't I grow frustrated. But in reality they don't know anything different from what their living. They haven't tasted and seen what is great. They've only gotten a glimpse of what is good. My frustration occurs then when nothing I say makes sense to them, and I in fact get rebuked for speaking out. How hard is it to find a truly sold out Christ follower, who is living their life for the sake of Jesus Christ? It's not easy by far. I see people post on their facebooks that they are Christians and those same people also have pictures of them scantily clothed in itsy bitsy bikinis, low cut tops, holding beer bottles, having curse words within their status', and all in all reflecting nothing that Christ stands for. I learned today-in my evangelism book for school!- that there is only 4% difference in the attitudes and actions of Christian professing youth, from those who don't claim the Christian faith. Somehow I feel this percentage doesn't change much when you go from youth to adults. I always thought, I'll grow up and be an adult and things will be better than when I was just a teenager. But I am sad to say, I'm more disappointed...actually disgusted, with the adults surrounding me, than I am the youth. People grow angry with the youth of today for their actions, but I look to the leaders of today for blame. Now I'm not saying that the entire fault lies upon the shoulders of leadership, for I believe everyone is responsible for themselves, but I do believe a great deal has to do with leadership. This is where adults fall short in my mind. They get to the point in their lives where they're done with school, they have families, a house, a job, so what do they do? The same old, day in and day out. They grow into a routine of complacency. A very wise professor once told me, "Faith, never stop reading books. Never stop learning new things and studying new concepts. Your mind doesn't stop growing after college ends. Feed it with the real food it craves." I will never forget Dr Smith. He taught me some of the most valuable things that will stay with me until the day I die...or get to old to remember. A thought struck me the other day as I tried to mentally prepare to start up another year of college, one that surprised me. I thought, I wish I could take college classes forever. WOAH! Hold up, back it up. I don't like college right? Well yes I dislike how hard I have to work sometimes; the late nights; days where all I do is sit and read until I fall asleep with my face in a book; the quizzes that scare me silly. But I love to learn and grow in knowledge. I don't think you have to go to college to learn, but I do think you have to learn.

So whatever it may mean, leap out of complacency and grab a book and start growing the mind God gave you. He didn't intend our growth and knowledge to halt when we finish school. It's a never-ending thing...but you have to want it, be discerning, and seek out ways to learn. So it's like Nike...just do it!I sure intend to!

Unashamed Love

You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place
Worthy, Worthy

I open up my heart and let my spirit worship Yours
I open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth
Worthy, You are worthy

Of a child-like faith
And of my honest praise
And of my unashamed love
Of a holy life
And of my sacrifice
And of my unashamed love


This has been the song of my heart these past few weeks of inner turmoil. I am still struggling, with what, I'm not sure. But I still feel out of sorts and uneasy. But as I rest this next week before school and work start back up I intend to open myself up to the Lord and allow him to work in my life. I desire to love him unashamedly and wholeheartedly. Please pray that I will find peace within my soul, and contentment in His grace.

clinging to Him,
Faith

Thus begins a new chapter

As I close my summer I reflect on the many ways that God has blessed me, and the many ways He has remained faithful to me. I still don't know that I have all my thoughts together, or that I can even remember half the summer. I can see that God was my strength this summer, for when I look back I can't remember half of what I said, or did. It's as if there's a fog surrounding my thoughts, a shadow that conceals what I once knew so vividly. So as I try to write this, hold on and accept that I am still trying to process.

First off I saw God's hand at work in many ways. Some material ways were we didn't run out of water at all this summer, even when we had a pipe burst on the cistern, even when we had a drought and no rain for weeks...something tells me God was at work in that. Also we were able to raise enough money for our campership fund to bring underprivileged campers to Joy El. I remember how much it was at the beginning of the summer, and how we prayerfully watched it come down as we made phone calls and even pitched in some of our own money. Now as we have closed the summer, we actually have money in the account for upcoming retreats this fall. What a huge blessing from God.

As I look at how God worked in the lives of the campers, I rejoice to know that I now have 183 new brothers and sisters as a result of this summer at Camp Joy El!!! And more than 300 children rededicated their lives to the Lord. Various others received assurance of their salvation, and others made decisions to be kind to their parents, share God's Word with others, and read their Bibles. I saw little children lives changed for a matter of eternity. My prayer for them now, is that they wouldn't become discouraged by the world, or return to their worldly ways, but that they would be transformed by the power of the Spirit of God. (Heb 12:2) I pray and hope that these children will stick with their commitments and that Satan would not discourage their hope in the Lord.

I also love to reflect on how I saw the staff grow this summer. It was such a privilege to be able to recruit most of the senior staff that served this summer. I saw them and talked with them through their fears of committing to the full summer. And watched and prayed diligently as many with great uncertainty submitted their application and went through the entire process. Many I called daily to push to get the rest of their information in, or even just to encourage to join our team. Then staff training arrived, and I had the opportunity to meet them face to face, and see their strengths and possible weaknesses, and figure out how to harness their strengths and help them to focus on using them. As the summer progressed, I watched the shy, become outgoing, those with attitudes become selfless, those who were uptight, grow relaxed, and those who were uncertain, gain confidence in the Lord. I can't think of a single staff member who's life or perspective wasn't changed this summer.

Then I look at my own life, and this is where it becomes much of a blur. All I remember is many tiny little faces who could fill my heart will joy at a single grin or giggle. My kids. How I love them...I cried at the thought of many of them leaving camp and not knowing when I might see them again. I wept over many who I know went home to rough family situations. I loved these kids with more than I realized I had within me. Their voices, faces, names and the precious things they did float through my thoughts as I realize how much I truly and deeply miss them. I couldn't ask for a better job this summer. Now did I do my job perfectly this summer?...not by far. I still have much to learn when it comes to mentoring and leading my staff. I feel most of it stems from the fact that I am a baby of my family, and also that I feel inadequate. Maybe those things are what keep me humble, but they are also what can hold me back from being the leader I should be at times. If I could go back and change one thing about my summer, it would be my intentionality and creativity with my staff. I was so driven and focused on the win, and the campers, that I missed investing into them many times. I am thankful for how God taught me though. I wouldn't need him if I already had everything together. I wouldn't learn anything if I didn't fail first. So because of my failures and inadequacies I am thankful...and even...dare I say it?...joyful. A different concept to process, but something I more than willing to cling to. See, I have realized that people-children, friends, family, summer staff- they come and go. None of them will stay in my life forever. People move away, get married, go to college, move into different social circles, and even pass away. There is nothing and no one consistent in my life...only Jesus.

Now as I look to the fall, I am filled with much confusion and anxious thoughts. I don't have a peace about something, but I don't know that something is or why I don't have a peace. I'm not content and I'm not at ease. I can't figure out if I just haven't had time to really process everything-that's what I'm trying to claim right now- or if something traumatic is going to happen, or if I made a bad choice for my fall. My hearts desire is to go away to college, as it has been for the past few years of my life, but I am at Camp working part time on top of online classes. I love working at camp and I know that I am learning so much under the leadership there. I have grown so much from working there last summer, this past winter and spring, and this summer. I also love learning online. I don't like to sit still for lectures, or study and take notes, and online classes provide me with the opportunity to teach myself out of books and other resources to where I don't have to take notes or study because of the learning style. Both of those things are good in my life...but I don't have peace about either at this moment in time. Maybe I'm just tired, maybe I just need a break, maybe I need to learn to be content with my unknown future, or maybe God is trying to tell me something. Oh how I wish I knew what He is trying to tell me, for my time is quickly ticking away and soon I will be thrust into this life whether it's right or not. For now I choose to cling to the Lord and trust that He will reveal His plan to me in due time. This is not an easy task, and I know it will require daily surrender on my part, but I refuse to distrust the one who has done so much for me. He gave His life for me, to choose to distrust Him would be a slap in the face...something I am unwilling to do to my precious Lord and Savior. I ask that you would pray with me as I sort through what my life will look like this fall semester.

So here I go, I take another step forward in hope, and turn the page to start a new chapter in my life.

in a fight not physical

This week was filled with so many fights that weren't physical...and some that were. But mostly spiritual battles that raged around us from every side. From busing, to disobedient children, to the water cistern, to lack of sleep, Satan was working overtime this past week.

It started out on Monday with a call from my bus driver for the Gcastle/Wboro bus in the afternoon during our leadership team meeting. She told me she couldn't drive at all this week because her sons were coming in from Hawaii. I thought ok God you need to provide. She called back later saying that she felt bad leaving me hanging and although she definitely couldn't drive on Monday, she would drive the rest of the afternoons. Then it was the next morning when I got a call that they couldn't get the bus to start for that same route. So as I was praying and calling parents to let them know that the bus would be 20-30 mins late, all I could think was this week can't get worse with busing...well I was wrong. Wednesday morning my bus rider for the Chambersburg bus called and said the bus driver hadn't shown up yet. I called his cell phone quickly to find out that he had forgotten and would be late to pick up the kids. The next morning I got a call from the same lady that had cancelled earlier and then came through for me, saying the bus was too hot and she refused to drive it anymore...leaving me with two afternoons to scramble to find a bus driver for. When she told me this all I said was "ok thanks for letting me know. Have a great day." I couldn't believe all that had gone wrong in this one week, when I had no issues whatsoever the rest of the summer. This was clearly Satan at work...and I was ready to fight back.

Then on Thursday we noticed some water bubbling up around the water cistern...we thought that it was just water from the top draining off....turns out that a pipe had broken. We figured this out on Friday after turning the water off and noticing that the bubbling stopped. Thank goodness for a few great men who pitched in and helped to dig and fix the pipe within less than 8 hrs.

My next obstacle this week was the day campers disobedience. I have never had to discipline so many children in one week, and break up so many fights. My staff was tired, and it showed. I had to have a talk with them after a terrible wacky water Thursday, with boys who were out of control.

I myself, have never felt more tired in my life. I can feel my energy draining and my voice checking out for the summer. It would be so easy for me to check out emotionally and mentally going into this next week, but I can't bring myself to do it.

The kids from last week, once again have captured my heart. They have each found a place within my heart and I am broken to let them go home not knowing if I will see them again...or knowing what some of them are going home to. I love them so much. I wouldn't trade my job for anything in the whole wide world. I know that God has called me here for a reason this summer, and if it is not for anything else, it is for me to love on these kids, and love on my staff.

This week I clung to Galatians 6:9 and Philippians 3:12-16.

Galatians says, "Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up."

And Philippians states,

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to what we have already attained."

So I press on in this last week, and I refuse to become weary in doing good. I will forget all the struggles of last week, and push towards the good coming in this next week. I will live in a mature way, and strain to reach God's goal for my life. Will it be easy, not in the least, but it will be worth it in the end. So I'm in a fight not physical, I'm in a war not with this world, But Jesus is the light that's beautiful, and I want all that he has for me!

tears, smiles, and tiny little faces...have each found a place in my heart....

Oh what a crazy past two weeks it has been. I can't fathom that we are starting week 6 today and I will only have one last week after that. The summer has flown by faster than I can fathom. Flashes of children's faces, laughter, staff silly moments, and tears I've cried in moments of panic float through my mind. There is no doubt that this summer has changed my life forever. I've learned more than I can even put to words.

One thing I've learned these past two weeks is the value and power of prayer. We have had such a huge need for campership funds and funds for the capital campaign. Because of the economic state our needs have been huge. More and more families are out of work, and therefore don't have enough money to send their children to camp. Yet this week after a parent program a man walked up to our executive director and handed him a check for $5,000! What a mighty God we serve and put our trust in! The Lord has also answered my prayers for strength. Last week I fought getting sick all week long, and vividly felt the attack on my body on a few occasions. Satan knows that if I'm sick, I can't fully pour out into my staff and campers. But I prayed harder than ever that God would shield not only me, but the entire camp from sickness. I unfortunately sent my first two campers home this week because they were sick. I also sent two staff members home because they were sick. Satan was working overtime to cause us to be disheartened, but our God is mighty to save and redeem us from the clutches of sickness. God provided healing, God provide strength, God provided funds, and He gave us his love to sustain us when we didn't think we could go on.

At this point in the summer my head is so full of tiny faces, and names it is so hard to sort them all out. I was thinking the other day as I was at canteen and I had multiple children around me asking "Miss Faif, look at me" or "Miss Faif, listen to me" -they can't all pronounce Faith, and it comes out as Faif- and I realized I couldn't remember about half of the kids names around me. My mind can't keep them all stored up, but what shook my world was to think that God not only knows all of my campers names, he knows everyone on the earth's names as well as everything about them. And better than that, he loves us all and give us all equal attention. So although there are days when I feel very stretched among the 80+ day campers all vying for my attention, the Lord never feels stretched. He never ignores or says, "Faith, just wait one second sweetie". He answers immediately when I ask for his attention. In fact he never takes his attention off of me. It is almost more than my mind can fathom. Psalm 8:4 states "What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?" (ESV) Who am I that God even notices me? Who am I that he hears me; cares for me; loves me? I'm not anyone important, but the Lord knows my inside and out, he knows every hair on my head, and every word that will ever come out of my mouth. He catches my tears, and defuses my anger, he holds my hand, and strokes my hair and says "Faith, I love you, wait on me. " I will rest in that knowledge this week as I enter what will be my largest week of Day Camp yet, with the most inexperienced staff, with no assistant. It will be tough, but God is mindful of me and has brought me here to camp to succeed, not fail. He is my salvation, my strength, my song, my peace, my everything. Week 6, here we come!

making followers of Jesus

This past week was filled with crazy moments, exciting highlights, and times where I wasn't sure I could go on.It was a week filled with God's presence and light in my life though.

I spent a lot of last weekend praying that God would help me to be more relational, and actually become committed to mentoring my support staff girls, and connecting with my day camp staff. I had done a good job of only being results oriented thus far, and I knew that God needed to change my heart going into this week. My job isn't to connect with campers, but to connect with my staff and equip them to do that. I must say that God answered my prayers. Not only was I able to get all my one-on-ones in this week-the previous two weeks I've missed at least one-but they were some of the brightest highlights of my week. God not only grew my mentees, but he also grew me through them. I was also able to connect with my day camp staff. I went on a hike with them, and made time to play Mafia and Ga Ga ball with them. As simple as those things seemed, it made a world of difference in not only their lives, but mine. I've found this past week, that to actually get more accomplished and see better results, you must first show your staff that you care about them. Oh how I wish I would have figured this out in my first 2 weeks. It probably would have saved me a lot of stress and headache. But it's more than superficial "care". It's truly caring and being fully committed to investing into their lives. This is not an easy task, but it is so rewarding. To see the things I had been praying about so diligently last weekend, to totally transform and change from my low points, to my high points was an act of the Lord.

I was missing the point of my job my first two weeks. I had in my head the win I wanted to see my team accomplish, but I gave them no tools to get to that point; no encouragement; no life to life for life. I wasn't giving them anything from my life, except my commands and tasks that I expected to be done and done well. They might be helping children to come into a relationship, but I am helping them to come into a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Him; I'm helping them to produce spiritual multiplication by equipping them for active ministry.

This week showed me the importance of prayer as well. I had so many people praying for me to be more relational. It was also the cry of my heart day and night. Like Nehemiah, I desired to go before the Lord on my face in humbleness and cry out day and night, letting my request be heard. I desired to practice the presence of God, in praying and then not allowing it to consume me and become a distraction. On the flip side of prayer though, I also learned the vitalness of sitting at Jesus' feet and just listening to His voice. Like Martha in Luke 10, I can so easily "become distracted with serving" that I miss being a Mary and sitting at the Lord's feet listening to Him.

All in all I learned a balance this week. I learned to pray without ceasing, trusting that God is going to do what His will is; I learned that I need time to sit and be in the presence of God without the distractions of serving as well; and I learned that in order to fulfill the Joy El motto, life to life for life, I need to get a grip and be more relational through showing my staff I care through having fun with them and investing into their lives. Those things all tie into each other in that, prayer and spending time listening to Jesus, puts me in line with His will, which then helps me to be more relational and see the importance of investing into others lives.

Oh and by the way, we now have 46 new brothers and sisters in Christ from this past week of camp!!

halfway point here we come!

holes within a heart that is overflowing

I never dreamed that leading would be so difficult. I never imagined that taking charge would provide with so much of a challenge. I never thought that I could grow lonely while being upfront all the time....but I have seen each of these things come to pass within the last week.

I went into this week feeling very out of sorts, and not entirely focused. I couldn't place my finger on why though, but I am beginning to see why. As the Day Camp Coordinator I don't personally get much opportunity to see up close growth with the kids. I hear stories, and see counselors interacting with their kids helping them to grow, but I personally am not the person who gets to see that growth close up. I never realized how much of a struggle this would be for me. I never understood that it would cause me such a deep loneliness. On occasion I will get a glimpse or hear a story that encourages me, but it's not the same as counseling last year. It's hard, but I am learning that it's not where God has placed me this year. He has placed me in leadership to help equip my staff to do the connecting with each camper on their relationship with Christ.

I have also struggled in that with being with day campers the maturity level is lower, and often times the ability to understand and make huge life changing decisions for Christ is not an option. We had senior high camp this week, parallel with Day Camp 2, and the contrast was huge. The senior high campers could make a life choice to live for Christ and they had the freedom and maturity to actually do it. They are more independent and not under control of their parents nearly as much as my day campers. My day campers do not have that option to live for Christ in the same way as the senior high campers. They are still under complete control of their parents. Which is okay, but I have many campers who come from broken, and dysfunctional homes. These campers come to camp, learn about Jesus and go home to parents who use his name as a curse word toward them when they do something wrong. It breaks my heart that I cannot keep these kids with me forever. I feel like just when we start to help these kids to get it and make life changes, we must send them back. My heart overflows with love for these children. When I see them smiling and having fun, when I hear their laughter, when I get hugs and kisses from them, I know that I am in the exact spot Jesus wants me this summer. But as I send them home, a little piece of my heart goes with them.

This has caused quite the large hole to begin forming in my heart...a hole that will only grow larger and larger as the summer progresses if I don't do something soon. I am beginning to realize how desperately I need Jesus to fill that hole forming within my heart. So although the whole within my heart grows from the children coming into and out of my life, Jesus is able to fill that hole within my heart to overflowing.

What started with a deep love for these children, has turned into a life calling. Although I love camp, I am seeing that I will not be able to continue camping ministries forever. My hearts desire, which I completely believe was placed there by my Savior, is to start a home for troubled kids. I don't know if it will be in the US or in another continent entirely....but I want to love on kids and invest in their lives for longer than a week at a time. I want to give kids a safe and loving home that they can come to. I want to teach them about Jesus and his great deep love for them. But for now, I will continue to invest what I can into my summer staff, so that they may then invest into my day campers. I will continue to serve with my whole heart at exactly where God has placed me right now, which is at camp until He leads me elsewhere. We only have but a week with each child, and I'm determined to make each second count for a matter of eternity. I won't allow my own personal struggles to distract from what God has called me to, and what I LOVE to do. I love my kids, I love camp, and I love my staff. And I will continue serving at camp until God leads me elsewhere.

So what about those holes within my heart...well, in time Jesus will patch them up and give me strength to keep pushing on. I am determined to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. Who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

My God is so BIG

My day campers and I sang "my God is so big" every single day this week. Oh how precious my little day campers were; Singing at the top of their lungs and from the bottom of their hearts. Little did I know that I would need that same song to get through the week. It's such a simple little song, but such a powerful song.

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do.
The mountains are his, the valleys are his
The stars are his handiwork too.
My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do!

There were many moments this week where I tried to do things on my own strength, and forgot how big my God really was. Washing clothes, homesick campers, disobedient campers, scared campers, confused staff and three hours of sleep= a very tired Faith. Can I honestly reflect and say that I relied on God at every one of those moments....no. Unfortunately I can see that there were many moments when I relied on myself...which was very stupid of me, because I didn't have anything left within me. But something I've learned working at camp is that when you become tired to the point of exhaustion, the voice of reason within your heart and head is not the easiest to hear, because the voice of whinning is drowning it out. That's when I need someone to step in and tell me to get a grip. Thankfully I have a whole team that can do that for me. I am determined to rely on God fully this next week.

I have found that being in this leadership role is by far one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is the most draining, but also the most rewarding. By the time when my day campers go home, I am exhausted and thankful for a break in the action, but by the next morning when their excited little faces arrive, I am energized by my love for them. I would not want another job in the world right now aside from being with my precious day campers. They are what kept me going this week when I had little sleep and much to do. Their abounding joy and excitement is contagious, spreading to everyone they come in contact with.

I was blessed this week with only 20 day campers. Originally I was bummed at the small numbers, but I loved the one-on-one time I got with each camper. Clay, Teddy, Callin, Sarah Jae, Lydia, Electa, Anika, Alex, Alec, Rachel, Ashlyn, Ryan, Luke, Jayland, Taylor, Jacob, Caleb, Dylan, William, and Bryant. Each one of these children will hold a special place within my heart, and a special place within my prayers. These children are the future leaders of churches, and Christians. I pray to God that they will continue to grow into the wonderful set apart young people I know God has called them to be. This is my prayer for all my day campers past, present, and future.

Week 1 = down, week 2 = here we come!

and it begins....

How can it be that equipping is already over? Can someone pinch me to assure me this is real? Senior staff training starts early tomorrow...and I cannot fathom that this is my last week before my babies...err...campers arrive. :) I need to get in the habit of calling my campers, campers, and not babies.

Anyway, leadership team equipping was so good. It was a great time to bond and connect as a team, understand what is expected of us, and understand what it means to be a leader. Our first day of equipping was spent on the trail and outdoors. I learned that I can be a very driven leader. While leading for part of the hike, I had a few comments made like "We're hiking Faith, not sprinting!". This was great for me to see, because it is a trait that I will have to work on this summer-becoming driven and forgetting about those behind me struggling to keep up. I also learned that I will definitely need help and support from my team throughout the summer. The extent of my camping experience was in campers, cabins, and a tent in my best friends back yard. I knew nothing about roughing it, making food over a fire, not being able to take showers, and sleeping with only a little bit of canvas to separate me from the bugs! I needed the support and wisdom of my team members to help me make it. I love my team so much, and I am so thankful that I have them to lead with this summer. They already mean the world to me, and I know that before the summer is over they will mean even more.

Once we got back to Joy El, and we was able to clean up and start on our sessions. Throughout the sessions we learned about discipleship, evangelism, mentoring, leadership, facilitation, and spiritual multiplication. It has made me really evaluate myself and my previous knowledge. I am so excited to lead activities, connect with kids, lead my staff, and mentor my staff. I am so blessed to be able to serve in this capacity. Most "Christians" will never experience what people who serve at camps experience. It's a whole new world that has captured my heart and sucked me in.

Leading up to the start of equipping, I was so focused on fixing my leadership flaws that I began to forget about my strengths. Something God really revealed to me over the course of last week was that I need to lead from my strengths and be the leader He created me to be. Yes, I need to try to improve my weak areas, but why should I become consumed with my weaknesses when God has blessed me with strengths? Yeah, I might not be the most authoritive leader, but I am very enthusiastic. I may not be the oldest, but I am a deep thinker. I may not be the smartest, wisest, greatest leader, but I have the best example to follow- Jesus. He lead with compassion, love, gentleness, friendship, authority, vision, enthusiasm, firmness, and purpose. He was and is the greatest leader that I could ever learn from.

This summer I will have many opportunities to have a bad attitude and run from things within my role that I don't want to do, but God has called me to strive to be a leader as Christ was a leader. Like Jonah, I could easially run away and totally disobey God's call, but I realize that His plan will be fulfilled whether I obey or not. I'd much rather obey and save myself a few nights in the dark belly of a fish though. He is sovereign and in control, and I am but a tool in His hand. It's more than just being able to say it though, I need to believe it. I have been challenged most this week by making sure my heart is in line with God's. I am excited to see what God is going to do this next week through senior staff training. I know that I will be tested, but though I pass through the fires I will not be burned, though the waters rise I will not drown. God will lift my head and support me when I cannot go on. I praise Jesus, that I don't have to go this summer alone.

excitement rises with anticipation

Wow! Today has been a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. My parents commented earlier today that I seemed agitated, and frazzled. I didn't notice it in myself, until I really starting thinking about why I seem this way.

It's my last day before camp starts.

I can't believe it is already here. The winter and spring months went by so quickly and I feel like I should be still wearing sweaters and boots. I've been told growing up that the older you get, the faster time seems to go. I see now how true that is. But is it really because I'm older, or is it just because I'm busier and weighed down with more concerns and worries?

Nonetheless camp is upon me whether I am ready or not. I do not think that I will ever really "feel ready" though. I like things to be perfect and I'm an obsessive planner. I could plan forever and not be content,but this is not an option for the summer. I must push forward and trust the Lord to come through for all my failures. Through my many thoughts today I've decided to compile a list of things to meditate on for the summer and be challenged by.

1. God is in control, not me.
2. God will bring His plans to completion, even if I fail to follow through with all of mine.
3. My attitude will set the tone for my staff - positive=positive, negative=negative.
4. It's not about me! It's about me serving.
5. I need to surrender everything in order to receive complete freedom.
6. My trust is in God, not in myself - I will only let myself down, God will not.
7. constructive criticism is my friend, not my enemy.
8. God has called me to be the Day Camp Coordinator, and he will not leave me hanging in my time of need. He will fully enable me to do all that is required if I only pull my strength from Him.
9. I need to be intentional with every second given to me.
10. I am unworthy to even wash the feet of my Savior, yet he has called me to proclaim this Message He has given us. "Why yes, I'll take a slice of that HUMBLE PIE!"

My heart races with the thoughts and implications of all this summer entails. I can almost guarantee that this will be a very defining summer for me in my leadership skills, organizational skills, and trust skills. My faith will be defined in a new way, and my ability to cope with little sleep with be tried.

So here I go, I'm taking the plung. I inhale and dive head first into a summer that I am sure not to forget.

My faith and hope is placed into His hands. Here I stand before my Lord, completely surrendered.

It's not about me

I've been thinking about starting a blog for a while now...and I finally decided to just do it before the summer starts and I no longer have any time to figure all this stuff out. My purpose behind this blog is not to whine or simply post my opinions on matters, but to sincerely reflect on how God is growing me, and share with others how I am being challenged. Not only this summer will I be journaling more personal ways that I am growing and my faith is being challenged, but I've felt led to create this blog to reflect upon how in a bigger picture I grow each week. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I will be tested, stretched, challenged, and pushed more this summer than I probably ever have in this capacity. As the baby of my family, leading and making independent decisions do not come naturally to me. So although it is a spiritual gift that God has blessed me with, when I am doing it on my own strength I fail miserably. I've seen what God has done through me when it's for his glory and on His strength, and I've seen how I've fallen on my face when I have been focused on myself and gaining my own glory.

So leading into this summer, I have made it a daily challenge to focus first and foremost on serving the Lord, but secondly on serving others. Although this seems like such an easy concept to grasp, I've found that it is not a easy concept to attain. More often than not I find myself falling into a "self-focused" mindset. I am a very driven, task-oriented, results focused person. So loving others, and serving them usually comes second best to my check list of things that need accomplished. I have found myself so consumed these past few weeks with things that need done in preparation for camp, that I have been missing the relational opportunities with others I speak with on the phone, and through other times of interaction.

I was reading today in Matthew a story of Jesus and his disciples. His disciples asked him "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" to which he answers that the humble and those that are like children are the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. This has caused me to ponder what the characteristics of a child are. Meek, loving, trustworthy, care-free, forgiving, and innocent. Jesus is also found proclaiming that the least will be the greatest, and the greatest the least.

So what does this mean to me for this summer. It's not about me. If I go into the summer with an self-focused attitude, I will ultimately fail. I intend to go into the summer, and serve now, with love, trust, forgiveness, integrity, and ultimately, by placing my entire life and plans into the Lord's hands. Growing up I didn't wonder if I was going to have food, or if my parents loved me. I didn't worry about it, because I trusted them to take care of me. When things get crazy this summer-which they undoubtedly will- I intend to trust that God will take care of everything. Besides it's not about me anyway. It's all about Him.