As I close my summer I reflect on the many ways that God has blessed me, and the many ways He has remained faithful to me. I still don't know that I have all my thoughts together, or that I can even remember half the summer. I can see that God was my strength this summer, for when I look back I can't remember half of what I said, or did. It's as if there's a fog surrounding my thoughts, a shadow that conceals what I once knew so vividly. So as I try to write this, hold on and accept that I am still trying to process.
First off I saw God's hand at work in many ways. Some material ways were we didn't run out of water at all this summer, even when we had a pipe burst on the cistern, even when we had a drought and no rain for weeks...something tells me God was at work in that. Also we were able to raise enough money for our campership fund to bring underprivileged campers to Joy El. I remember how much it was at the beginning of the summer, and how we prayerfully watched it come down as we made phone calls and even pitched in some of our own money. Now as we have closed the summer, we actually have money in the account for upcoming retreats this fall. What a huge blessing from God.
As I look at how God worked in the lives of the campers, I rejoice to know that I now have 183 new brothers and sisters as a result of this summer at Camp Joy El!!! And more than 300 children rededicated their lives to the Lord. Various others received assurance of their salvation, and others made decisions to be kind to their parents, share God's Word with others, and read their Bibles. I saw little children lives changed for a matter of eternity. My prayer for them now, is that they wouldn't become discouraged by the world, or return to their worldly ways, but that they would be transformed by the power of the Spirit of God. (Heb 12:2) I pray and hope that these children will stick with their commitments and that Satan would not discourage their hope in the Lord.
I also love to reflect on how I saw the staff grow this summer. It was such a privilege to be able to recruit most of the senior staff that served this summer. I saw them and talked with them through their fears of committing to the full summer. And watched and prayed diligently as many with great uncertainty submitted their application and went through the entire process. Many I called daily to push to get the rest of their information in, or even just to encourage to join our team. Then staff training arrived, and I had the opportunity to meet them face to face, and see their strengths and possible weaknesses, and figure out how to harness their strengths and help them to focus on using them. As the summer progressed, I watched the shy, become outgoing, those with attitudes become selfless, those who were uptight, grow relaxed, and those who were uncertain, gain confidence in the Lord. I can't think of a single staff member who's life or perspective wasn't changed this summer.
Then I look at my own life, and this is where it becomes much of a blur. All I remember is many tiny little faces who could fill my heart will joy at a single grin or giggle. My kids. How I love them...I cried at the thought of many of them leaving camp and not knowing when I might see them again. I wept over many who I know went home to rough family situations. I loved these kids with more than I realized I had within me. Their voices, faces, names and the precious things they did float through my thoughts as I realize how much I truly and deeply miss them. I couldn't ask for a better job this summer. Now did I do my job perfectly this summer?...not by far. I still have much to learn when it comes to mentoring and leading my staff. I feel most of it stems from the fact that I am a baby of my family, and also that I feel inadequate. Maybe those things are what keep me humble, but they are also what can hold me back from being the leader I should be at times. If I could go back and change one thing about my summer, it would be my intentionality and creativity with my staff. I was so driven and focused on the win, and the campers, that I missed investing into them many times. I am thankful for how God taught me though. I wouldn't need him if I already had everything together. I wouldn't learn anything if I didn't fail first. So because of my failures and inadequacies I am thankful...and even...dare I say it?...joyful. A different concept to process, but something I more than willing to cling to. See, I have realized that people-children, friends, family, summer staff- they come and go. None of them will stay in my life forever. People move away, get married, go to college, move into different social circles, and even pass away. There is nothing and no one consistent in my life...only Jesus.
Now as I look to the fall, I am filled with much confusion and anxious thoughts. I don't have a peace about something, but I don't know that something is or why I don't have a peace. I'm not content and I'm not at ease. I can't figure out if I just haven't had time to really process everything-that's what I'm trying to claim right now- or if something traumatic is going to happen, or if I made a bad choice for my fall. My hearts desire is to go away to college, as it has been for the past few years of my life, but I am at Camp working part time on top of online classes. I love working at camp and I know that I am learning so much under the leadership there. I have grown so much from working there last summer, this past winter and spring, and this summer. I also love learning online. I don't like to sit still for lectures, or study and take notes, and online classes provide me with the opportunity to teach myself out of books and other resources to where I don't have to take notes or study because of the learning style. Both of those things are good in my life...but I don't have peace about either at this moment in time. Maybe I'm just tired, maybe I just need a break, maybe I need to learn to be content with my unknown future, or maybe God is trying to tell me something. Oh how I wish I knew what He is trying to tell me, for my time is quickly ticking away and soon I will be thrust into this life whether it's right or not. For now I choose to cling to the Lord and trust that He will reveal His plan to me in due time. This is not an easy task, and I know it will require daily surrender on my part, but I refuse to distrust the one who has done so much for me. He gave His life for me, to choose to distrust Him would be a slap in the face...something I am unwilling to do to my precious Lord and Savior. I ask that you would pray with me as I sort through what my life will look like this fall semester.
So here I go, I take another step forward in hope, and turn the page to start a new chapter in my life.
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