Here's to a New Chapter...

Well I said I was going to try to post after every week of camp, but clearly that didn't happen. This summer was, as I anticipated, one of the hardest summers of my 19 years of existence. I was stretched and challenged beyond my wildest dreams, from defiant campers, to the obstacles of leading my staff more effectively, to my own lack of joy and peace in where I was. It's funny how things can change so quickly. Remember those dreams of going away to school that I gave up to the Lord? Well he clearly didn't desire me to give it up altogether. Towards the middle of the summer, I sensed a shift in my calling unlike anything else I've ever experienced. I couldn't imagine leaving camp, but at the same time I couldn't imagine staying. I was torn from comfort, and thrown into something I've never experienced before. At the time I started fervently praying and seeking the Lord's will, I had no clue where he wanted me to go if I did leave camp. I wanted to do his will and not my own, though. Randomly, my old academic adviser from LBC called me one evening at camp, and starting asking how life was and what I was up to. It turns out he had been thinking of old students who had transferred out or just dropped out and wanted to check in with me. We talked and prayed and I started to get a sense of where God was leading me - away to school! I kept praying, confided in a a few close friends and asked them to pray as well. After some extended time in prayer and consideration, God made it clear what I was to do, no matter how difficult it would be initially.

After having the very hard conversation with my supervisor and letting him know I wanted to be able to train my replacement and end well, I had no clue how soon that end would come. It turns out my last day was October 6th. The two weeks before that I would spend with my replacement, training her in everything that the job entailed. This was all so challenging, and thankfully the Lord provided a job right away that I was able to walk into as soon as I finished at camp. Through this all, I never realized how hard it would be to end well, to give it everything I had up until the last minute. Ending at camp this summer, I did not end well, but ending my time at camp altogether, I feel confident that the Lord enabled me to give it my all. With bittersweet tears streaming down my face on Oct 6th, I walked away, not looking back, but straining to the future and what the Lord had in store for me. I walked away with no regrets, no apprehension, only sadness at leaving what once was my family, and eager anticipation for what the future held.

Since that time I've continued with online classes, which have actually been wonderfully easy this semester, and worked like crazy at the Gap, selling clothing and coordinating the visual aspects of the men's department. It's been a season of learning great contentment, that is for sure. I've never wanted to be a few months down the road as badly as I have this fall, but the Lord has started to do a new thing in my heart now as I prepare for school, which I am excited to share.

I struggle with image and accepting how I look, very much. It's always been a highly important thing to me growing up, but this year has taken it to a new level of obsession, in which I have had no clue how to surrender to the Lord. A friend told me about the Daniel Fast a few weeks ago. She was doing it at the time, and God used it to grow her faith a lot. The Daniel fast is where for 21 days you eat nothing but fruits, vegetables, nuts, whole grains, and other similar foods. Nothing processed, nothing that comes from an animal, nothing that hasn't started out as a seed. And during this fast, you drink only water and lots of it - in fact it says you should drink a half gallon a day! When I first heard about it I didn't think I could do it, but God has been working to draw me to himself and show me his desire for a healthy self image and better eating habits. So today is the first day of my fast, so I can't say much about it yet, but I already feel a sense of challenge, and surrender to the Lord. I am really excited to spend more devoted time in prayer, develop a deeper love for the Lord, read and study His Word more intensely, and ultimately surrender these strongholds to him. I'm learning how to live in the Lord's presence season to season, day to day, moment to moment, even down to the minute. Withholding from myself things like milk-which I love!- and cereal, yogurt, etc, it's a constant reminder of the sacrifice of Christ, and the freedom his sacrifice brings. And it's not a fast where I'm not starving myself, which wouldn't be a positive thing. I would use it to bring myself glory and not the Lord. With this fast, I am eating as Daniel did in the Old Testament book of Daniel. I'm following in the footsteps of a man who held great courage and faith, to grow closer to who the Lord would have me become.

So here's to a new chapter in which I'm sure the Lord will use to teach me new and exciting things as I study to become a children's pastor!

a summer of love

Today is my last full day at home before summer camp starts once again. It's so surreal to think that an entire year has passed since last summer of ministry and I'm beginning another. Adults have always told me that the older you get the faster time goes. Now, being an adult, I understand what they were talking about. Things are in a constant state of motion, and being myself, I live in only 2 speeds; high speed, and stop. I live at an intense pace, until I crash and burn for a few days. It's just how I live. But now that summer is rolling around again, I actually don't feel like I'm in that state of intensity like I usually am. I think a lot of it has to due with the fact that this is my fifth summer in camping ministries and my second on summer leadership team. Not that I know everything and have it all figured out, by far that is not the case, but there are certain routine things that aren't as big of a deal now. Like packing for the summer, used to take me a whole week to figure out everything. I now have a system of how to pack and get things ready, in which this year, it only took me a day and a half. So in some areas, it would be really easy for me to walk into this summer comfortable. But of course, God wouldn't allow that.

I have had a great peace going through this last week at home. I've had great times with friends, family, and the Lord as I prepare to serve. But deep down, I have this heart feeling that this summer will test me beyond my wildest dreams. Although my flesh would like to remain comfortable and not experience the imminent pain of refiners fire, and stretching, I know it's for my best and future betterment. I have no clue what this summer will bring, but I know that this year has been a constant reminder of God's faithfulness and presence in my life. If I could pick out theme for my year, faithfulness would definitely be the one that God has brought into my life. He's been challenging me to trust his faithfulness, and he's been constantly showing me his faithfulness. Through bringing some best friends into my life that refine me, and bring me so much joy, to placing me through internal trials that make me realize just how messed up I am. God hasn't left my side, he's remained faithful to me. And I anticipate that's exactly what will happen throughout the course of this summer.

I'm going to try to post after every week the over-arching theme and thought from the week, but weekends are often busy and filled with laundry, sleep, and hanging with friends and family. I really desire to grow this summer, and learn to trust more fully, to become more selfless, to learn to listen better, to lead more effectively and confidently, and most of all to love God more and love others more.

Our summer theme, and I believe our entire lives as followers of Christ come down to those two things. Loving God above all else, and loving others more than ourselves. If we are living out that, everything else will fall into place. So here we go, I'm drawing a deep breath and taking the plunge into summer camp 2011.

Kindle....it's not happening

So there is a huge buzz about the Kindle and how convenient it is to store books, and although I think it would be absolutely wonderful to not have stacks of books scattered around my 10by10 room, I cannot, and I don't think I ever will be able to bring myself buy one. Here is why...

1) I take online classes for school and look at a computer screen for very long periods of time, writing papers, watching lectures, writing in forums, taking exams, quizzes, and test.

2) Probably about 35%-50% of my job requires me to sit at a desk and work on researching for events, planning, emailing, scheduling, facebooking students, creating flyers, updating material, etc.

3) I have bad eyesight, and I am convinced that the longer and more often I look at computer type screens I'm only hurting my eyes further.

4) Lastly, I simply like to hold a book in my hands...and although it sounds weird...I like the smell of books. Libraries...make me happy. :)

So some say burn the books, embrace the kindle...I say do with the kindle what it's name implies. BURN IT!

here's to another year of God's faithfulness

The say a lot can happen in a short amount of time. A lot has occurred in a years time in my life. I got my job at Joy El Ministries as the Assistant Program Coordinator in January. My dream throughout high-school finally came true. I can now say I've almost completed a year within my role and I'm excited to start implementing things I've learned. The friends and family I've made through my time at Joy El I wouldn't trade for the world. My co-workers are my friends, and my camping team is my family. I know I can cry to them, laugh with them, and even throw a fit from time to time, and they love me unconditionally and push me towards growth in Christ. I've never been so blessed by a job, and I pray any future jobs I have throughout the rest of my life are as amazing as this one has been to me so far.

In February I turned 18 the day after I almost lost my dad to a tragic car accident. Our lives will never be the same from the trial and trauma of that experience. My birthday's will be forever plagued with horrific memories from that fateful day. But I did a lot of growing up during that time. I truly became an adult through the pain and experiences I felt. February was a dark and bitter month for me though...let's just say God has his work cut out for him thawing my hardened heart.

March brought new hope and life as dad recovered, it warmed up outside, my baby niece turned 2, and my best friend Kristen came to visit from Minnesota. It was a joyous month of celebrating life, love, and friendship. God also brought me to a new place in my understanding of his grace when I was asked to join the summer leadership team at camp as the day camp coordinator. There wasn't a better summer job anyone could have offered me.

April came and went quickly with much preparation at camp for the summer. We had Release Time camp days, and I attempted to wrap up the final staffing details for the summer, as well as theme ideas. It was then that God also started to bring to my heart the thought of transferring out of Lancaster Bible College online to Liberty University online.

May also passed with an intensity that easily surpassed April. I was putting in many hours at work, trying to tie up all the lose ends before summer started and campers arrived. Emotionally and mentally I was struggling with a lot of feelings of inadequacy towards my summer position. I had no clue how I was ever going to be able to make it through the summer on leadership team and lead campers and staff towards Christ. I also returned to my old competitive cheerleading squad to fill in for a competition, and God opened my heart to my need to minister to the girls again.

With the heat of June and July, also brought over 1,400 campers to Camp Joy El, along with over 150 hundred staff members. It was a thrill, a rush, it was an unforgettable summer that I will never forget. I learned a lot about being relational, casting a vision for those under my leadership, being intentional, mentoring, staying focused, prioritizing my time, waiting on God's timing, and resting in His peace. I also learned a lot about myself, and those around me. God did mighty things in my life this summer, and I know that He also did it in the lives 183 campers who began a relationship with Him, and the countless others who's lives were changed as they were spurred on to spread the Good News of Christ.

August and September brought a time of weariness and searching for my soul. I started my first few classes at Liberty, and realized that my dream of attending a college wasn't going to happen. I also struggled with going from constant contact with people my age, to very limited interaction. God was very silent during that time, waiting on me to wait on Him again. I was restless and anxious, I felt like I was waiting for something bad to happen, but thankfully nothing that bad has happened yet. I think it was just my own paranoia.

October brought me reality and life again. I started leading worship at my church and was able to start implementing the things I learned in my first few months at camp towards the fall retreats we had. I was very encouraged by my co-workers and my love for the 4.12 leadership training students started to grow. It was also a crazy time in which I wasn't home very much. My work hours were crazy, and out of a two week period I slept in my bed probably 2-3 times.

Just as the fallen leaves of November swirled in the wind, so did my life. I was reminded of my need to be thankful, but I also was struggling with a very full school work load. I had the bright idea to add a class to my second term...note to self...don't ever do that again! I was almost swallowed by my classes, and I got my first ever D...and my second...and my third, until I kicked into overdrive to get an A at the end of the class. Hard work pays off! November was also filled with anticipation for vacation in Disney World with my best friend Kristen, who I hadn't seen since March. November couldn't pass quick enough.

Finally the chill of December settled in as I prepared for our elementary retreat at camp, finals, vacation in Disney World, Christmas, and everything else that comes with the craziness of December. It has been a good month overall, and a sign of God's grace in my life.

A lot has happened this year, I've changed a lot, and my life has changed a lot. I'm told that happens when you grow up. I guess I never realized I was growing up or I didn't have a choice in how fast I did so. This year I have been reminded to wait on God's faithfulness and trust his timing. It's been a rough year at times, but God didn't promise that my life would be easy. He promised that he would be faithful to me. And he has.


"The your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your guard." Isaiah 58:8

Pure Thankfulness

Hmmm...it's that time of year again! Thanksgiving! And leading into thanksgiving I have made a serious commitment to stop whining and stressing and start being thankful for the many blessings God has given me. After a heart to heart conversation with a close friend recently, God helped me to see how self-focused I've been...and at times overly dramatic. On a side note...I am learning that selfishness is something I think I'll deal with forever. Hopefully I'll be able to become more selfless with God's grace and maturity...anyway...So I was talking with my friend...and God really convicted me to examine my life. So I did. I spent some serious time looking over my reactions and responses to situations, how I viewed myself and others, and ultimately how I was responding to God's call on my life. As it turned out, a few weeks before this conversation with my friend, I was talking with an adult whom I respect a lot, and he asked how I was doing. I responded, "stressed, but good nonetheless." He responded with "Faith...you are always stressed". hmmm...this rendered me speechless...I didn't know what to say because it was true. It bothered me but I didn't think too much about it until I had a heart to heart with my friend, and the truth came back to bite me. Then after my 6 month appraisal at work my boss encouraged me to memorize 3 verses on dependence on the Lord, and also write a personal vision, or mission statement. Well these things all sort of came at the same time, and it was clear God was telling me I needed to make an adjustment to my life. So while praying through my mission statement, God really showed me that I was allowing my faith to be determined by my circumstances. But my faith should really be determined by Christ alone...who is UNCHANGING! This reality washed over me for the next few days as I realized just as Christ is unchanging in my life, my stress level and joy should also remind unchanged by life's storms...and that some of life storms didn't really need to be storms. I was making them storms through my overly-emotional perspective. So since this point I have been praying fervently over my mind, as well as a few close friends who I trust with my life. And I must say the work God has been doing in my heart and mind has been amazing. I still have moments where I would just like to start to stress and fret, but God is showing me that something as simple as taking a minute or two to stop breathe/pray can totally transform your life. God has been trying to teach me this all throughout my teenage years, but I haven't been willing to change my life. Well now as an adult I really desire to live a steady and consistent life.

While reading in Ephesians 4 recently, verses 13-6 spoke to me in a way it never has before. It states:
"Until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."

WOW! I do not want to be tossed around by the waves around me, I desire to remain steadfast and grounded. I want to be unified in my faith and knowledge of God. I long to remain joyful in all situations, and I intend to start by nurturing my thankful spirit. The more I can see and recognize the blessings the easier it will be to handle the trials.

So I have a list of 100 things I'm thankful for!
1. the saving grace of Jesus Christ
2. the kenosis of Christ - look it up! amazing!
3. God abounding, everlasting, and unconditional love
4. Galatians 6:9
5. the Holy Spirit dwelling in me.
6. The Bible - specifically my ESV journal Bible
7. the apostle Paul
8. the sound of childrens laughter
9. the love contained in a child's hug
10. Brooklynn Jeanette Dunkle - best niece ever
11. my parents who put up with my independent, zealous, and spirited nature, and love me nonetheless
12. the opportunity to develop a relationship with each of my grandparents and learn from them
13. a job where I am surrounded by like-minded Christ followers
14. a job where I get to interact with children
15. a job where spiritual growth is the focus, not only in our guests lives, but the staff's lives as well
16. the opportunity to grow my mind through college
17. the opportunity to grow spiritually through college
18. campers...FYI - I'm talking about little people
19. Day Campers ....aka Miss Faif's babies!!
20. a youth pastor, Lee Nunemaker, who takes my ranting seriously...most of the time. haha
21. Tanya Pearell - best office buddy ever
22. Steve Rice - best boss I could ever ask for...seriously he's great
23. Mikie Megonnell, a friend like no other
24. 4.12 leadership training program students...they make my life interesting and my heart happy
25. Anielka Patricia Espoinoza Rivera - Compassion child I sponsor
26. Frankley Diaz - Food for the hungry child I sponsor
27. Shannon Garland - she makes cheerleading worthwhile
28. my brother....we may fight but he can almost always make me laugh
29. Rachel Gehman - best cousin ever
30. Sunflowers
31. Janelle Wenger and Diana Stottlemyer - who helped me make it through my first summer on leadership team
32. William Bishop...who holds a very special place in my heart
33. the pain in my life...for it has made me who I am today
34. Matthew 11:28
35. the smell of cinnamon
36. the taste of cinnamon
37. the memories of canning things with my grandma and mom in the summer
38. the smell of books...yes I'm a little weird
39. the ability to read books
40. Music
41. Barlowgirl
42. Hillsong United
43. Candles...for making my house smell goooodd
44. the privilege to get a college education and work in my dream job at the same time
45. that I live in the same house all my life
46. Niagara falls - beautiful!
47. boys...young and old...they make me laugh
48. girls...they like to talk as much as I do!
49. the silence and peace that you feel when it snows late at night
50. tissues - they've gotten my through some tough times
51. Walt Disney - for creating so much imagination and wonder
52. DISNEY WORLD
53. sleep....is wonderful...zzzz....
54. sunsets - because I never wake up early enough for sunrises
55. the colors of the trees against the sky in the fall
56. C.S. Lewis
57. my baby grand piano - seriously a blessing
58. the ability to live within walking distance to 2 grocery stores
59. Eric and Lesi Ludy
60. Christmas lights
61. the glitter I get to wear to cheerleading competitions
62. my VW bettle!! I love my car
63. Smiles
64. a campfire and it's ability to draw people closer together
65. the great camping programs team I get to work with, Steve, Valerie, Josh, and Stephanie
66. the freedom of religion
67. the freedom of speech
68. Camp Joy El summer staff girls 2009 - I miss those times
69. Kristen Marie Urlacher...should have been much higher on this list!! but seriously best friend forever...love you!
70. mentors, leaders, parents, friends, people who have kicked me in the butt spiritually
71. a simple, yet magnificent rainbow
72. thunderstorms
73. the smell of rain
74. photographs
75. pink highlighters
76. purples pens
77. pencils
78. the opportunity/privilege to share Christ with others...also should be much higher up on this list...
79. SHOES
80. air conditioning
81. my name...Faith
82. vanilla lotion
83. pumpkin ice cream
84. Burts bees lip balm
85. honey chamomile tea
86. the privilege to be part of an organization who has seen over 500 children and youth enter into God's family over the past year
87. hot showers
88. my wavy hair
89. the ability to straiten my hair when I want to
90. Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata
91. the ability to sing
92. the ability to graduate a year early
93. my unorganized life, but my ability to organize closets, cabinets, rooms, pretty much any space
94. my ability to love others
95. Modcloth.com -need I say more...
98. sundresses
99. journals and blogs like this that I can reflect upon in years to come
100. the life I've been given to live

well now that I've used a large portion of my study time to post this collection of my thoughts, I must get back to homework. Thanks for listening! :) oh and....Happy Thanksgiving!

Life's what you make it

It has been a long start to this fall, I feel like as quickly as the spring and summer flew by, August and September have seemingly dragged on forever. Thank the Lord, we are finally to October, with my hope that I can now drown myself in work, school, cheerleading, and other various commitments. I recently had my 6 month appraisal with my supervisor at work, who, on a side note, is seriously the best boss I could ever have. But anyway, during this appraisal I was actually able to work through some of my discontent with my present situation and realize that the job I now have is exactly where God wants me. I'm just not where I want me. I've been caught in selfishness. As silly as this may sound, I really do think now that the reason I wanted to go to college so badly is so that I could have a community of friends. I have that community of friends over the summer at camp, but as soon as everyone goes back to college, I remain....lonely and isolated. I never realized how lonely I was until my boss asked me if I had a community of friends outside of the people I'm reaching out to, and those at work and my family. I pondered it only to come up short of an answer. I realize now that I kept myself so busy through high-school with cheerleading, piano lessons, voice lessons, school, and work, that I didn't allow myself to get connected to any sort of community. I didn't allow people inside my little world. I shut them out because I was always too busy to do anything, and finally the friends I once held so dear, gave up on me and moved on to other friends who made time for them. Which leaves me where I'm at now. alone. So I don't think my discontent came from unanswered expectations at all, but from the fact that I'm lonely and tired of being lonely. I'm tired of having friends, but no true friends that are there for me consistently. I'm more of a "when it suits me to hang out because there's no one better to hang out with" friend. Ouch, can you feel the sting? I can. But I did it to myself. I never needed anyone. I thrived on my stressful situation. Somehow as much as I hated being stressed, it became a comfort to me...like some sort of drug...killing me slowly, but I was unable to get free from it despite the harm it was doing me.

So where does that leave me now? Lonely...but determined to rely on the Lord all the more. Paul didn't have very many friends, in fact, during his second imprisonment in Rome all of his friends deserted him and turned away (2 Tim 1:15). But did he stop serving the Lord and become consumed in self-pity? No. And neither will I. I refuse to stop living my life simply because I feel alone, for I know that I am not alone; God is holding me ever so tightly. I know this is preparation, and a test of sorts. God is pushing and challenging me to remain faithful, and I will succeed. You see, a last summer, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I made a commitment to God that the next guy I go into a relationship with will be the one I marry, and I refuse to allow myself to get to that point unless I am absolutely sure that he's the one. I also told God in my anguish that if he wants me to remain single forever I would do so. And since that point there have been many times where I felt at peace with that...unfortunately for my emotions this is not one of those times. But that just means I must remain vigilant in my commitment to wait on God's timing. I believe that if he has someone for me, he will reveal it to me in due time, and I don't need to do anything. I've had many others tell me my standards are too high, that I'm never going to meet the man I desire, that I need to encourage them more, I've heard it all. Sometimes I grow weary of defending myself, and it causes my faith in God's promises to falter. So for any of you out there reading this who have discouraged me, please STOP. I'm done trying to be who everyone else thinks I should be. It's time to be me and just simply me. If a guy isn't man enough to pursue me, he isn't man enough to have me. I want a guy who will fight for me, who will stand up and be a man when he needs to. This world is filled with too many little boys living in grown up bodies, and I refuse to pursue one of these little boys because they won't pursue me. Is that wrong of me? Some say yes, others tell me I'm right on. But I don't care anymore what anyone else says. I know what God has told me and I'm sticking to it. If that means I wait another 10 years (Dear Lord, please no) ....I will....reluctantly, but I will. If that means I must remain single then so be it. I will simply move to Africa and be a mommy to the many orphans that don't have mommies there. In fact I might do so if I have to wait 10 years, or if I have to wait 10 months.

I don't know everything, but I do know that I'm done listening to others, I'm done feeling lonely and sorry for myself, I'm done living a stressful life. Like Miley Cyrus sings...very badly I might add, "Life's what you make it". and I'm going to make it an adventure...an adventure that God uses to impact eternity...

learning contentment....

Whew,these past few weeks since I have started my sophomore year of college online, and my first fall at Camp Joy El have been a whirlwind of emotions, things learned, pain, confusion, truth, honesty, and the Lord gently speaking to my heart, as I screamed back at him for answers to my life. Let me give you a big picture of my situation.

At one time I was a high school senior with big dreams to graduate early, attend Lancaster Bible College for children's ministry, and then after 4 years of learning, making life-long friendships, and being challenged by professors I would settle down, get married, and go into children's ministry of some sort. Well that dream shifted when I wasn't encouraged to attend college my first year out of high school and instead take online courses. So my new revised dream was then to take online courses through LBC and transfer up the next year, already having some courses under my belt. It was virtually the same dream, with just a slight detour and it made perfect sense until my old job cut my hours and I grew weary of cleaning hotel rooms and setting up meeting rooms. I knew I had gifting beyond housekeeping. So I pursued a job at a local ministry, not entirely sure what I would end up with. Well I ended up with more of a career than a job in the long run, something that I couldn't easily quit to attend college. Initially I was so excited! I had my dream job, was still taking classes and getting an education and it all seemed right. Until I finished my first year with only 15 credits under my belt due to the online system at LBC, and that old dream still resounding within my soul. I transferred to Liberty Online over the summer, in hopes to finish my degree faster, only to be disappointed with my classes within the first week. I wasn't learning as much as I did through LBC and I wasn't being challenged like I thought I could be. Also after living at camp for almost 10 weeks strait I had no desire to return to work. I needed time to think. So I took a week off, in hopes it would help me clear my mind and get re-focused, instead it only made me long for something different all the more. Starting sophomore this year and returning to work has been one of the longest and hardest moments I've had in a long time. It was something I had no choice in, but at the same time I had complete control over. This was what I chose right? Although it's not what I wanted, it seemed the best alternative...but I couldn't get past my broken and shattered dreams of what my life was going to look like after high-school. The life I wanted isn't what I had. I was unhappy with myself and feeling like a failure, I was unhappy with my parents for not being like other parents who push their children out the door to college,I was unhappy with work because I felt it was to fault for my inability to go away to college, I was unhappy with God for not giving me the desires of my heart. My dreams were inevitably crushed. Until one day recently I was talking with a friend about dreams and college and work in a very general way and he asked how work was going. I responded with a general "it's great, but not somewhere I want to be forever. I'd still like to go away to college." To which he responded with "well why do you want to go to college?" A simple question, but his meaning behind it was much deeper than what it would seem. Why did I want to go to college? Most people go to college to get an education so they can get a job in their field of study. I was getting a college education and already had a job in my field of study. He then asked me if I wasn't going to stay in camping ministries, working with children, what was the job I was aiming for. I couldn't give him an answer. Never in my life have I had such a wake up call when it comes to my dreams. In reality I have arrived at my destination earlier than I anticipated, only to be disappointed, where most kids my age would be ecstatic. What was wrong with me? I took a few more weeks to ponder this, which brings me to present time...

I was hit with reality this week, that even if I attended college at this point, my purpose behind it is partially to make friends. And by the time I attend college as a Jr. those in my grade will have already made friends and built their own community. I would be coming in as a lonely freshman new kid, not something I want to experience as a Jr. I often feel looked down upon because I don't attend a college campus. I feel that people think my education is less than theirs because it's online. I feel held back and smothered within my own community. Once people graduate I thought they were supposed to get out and experience life...a different life, with new and exciting experiences, yet I've felt stuck in a rut unable to push myself out. But I know that when it all comes down to it, God is teaching my contentment. God has continuously brought Galatians 4:11-13 to my mind which states "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." It's learning to be content in whatever the circumstances. Whether things go as planned, or things go crazy. It's about trusting that God is bigger than I am and knowing that through his strength I will be alright no matter the circumstance. It's trusting His will for my life and accepting reality. I've since been growing in my peace about the situation. I've added a class to my second term this semester for more challenge, and I am gradually gaining more purpose and passion at work as well.

But now I have a choice to make. I have an opportunity to get a taste of my once thought long lost dream, and gain great training in leadership, but I am unsure of what it might cost me, and there's always the resounding fear of failure if I try and fall short. I ask that you pray with me as I make some ultimately serious decisions that could make or break me. Please pray for discernment, and confidence in myself to make the choice God wants for my life. This opportunity would be a huge leap of faith for me, but I know that it was the power in the end to change my life for the better. Are you guessing what the opportunity is? Well I can't say yet, but in time it will be revealed.