Life's what you make it

It has been a long start to this fall, I feel like as quickly as the spring and summer flew by, August and September have seemingly dragged on forever. Thank the Lord, we are finally to October, with my hope that I can now drown myself in work, school, cheerleading, and other various commitments. I recently had my 6 month appraisal with my supervisor at work, who, on a side note, is seriously the best boss I could ever have. But anyway, during this appraisal I was actually able to work through some of my discontent with my present situation and realize that the job I now have is exactly where God wants me. I'm just not where I want me. I've been caught in selfishness. As silly as this may sound, I really do think now that the reason I wanted to go to college so badly is so that I could have a community of friends. I have that community of friends over the summer at camp, but as soon as everyone goes back to college, I remain....lonely and isolated. I never realized how lonely I was until my boss asked me if I had a community of friends outside of the people I'm reaching out to, and those at work and my family. I pondered it only to come up short of an answer. I realize now that I kept myself so busy through high-school with cheerleading, piano lessons, voice lessons, school, and work, that I didn't allow myself to get connected to any sort of community. I didn't allow people inside my little world. I shut them out because I was always too busy to do anything, and finally the friends I once held so dear, gave up on me and moved on to other friends who made time for them. Which leaves me where I'm at now. alone. So I don't think my discontent came from unanswered expectations at all, but from the fact that I'm lonely and tired of being lonely. I'm tired of having friends, but no true friends that are there for me consistently. I'm more of a "when it suits me to hang out because there's no one better to hang out with" friend. Ouch, can you feel the sting? I can. But I did it to myself. I never needed anyone. I thrived on my stressful situation. Somehow as much as I hated being stressed, it became a comfort to me...like some sort of drug...killing me slowly, but I was unable to get free from it despite the harm it was doing me.

So where does that leave me now? Lonely...but determined to rely on the Lord all the more. Paul didn't have very many friends, in fact, during his second imprisonment in Rome all of his friends deserted him and turned away (2 Tim 1:15). But did he stop serving the Lord and become consumed in self-pity? No. And neither will I. I refuse to stop living my life simply because I feel alone, for I know that I am not alone; God is holding me ever so tightly. I know this is preparation, and a test of sorts. God is pushing and challenging me to remain faithful, and I will succeed. You see, a last summer, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I made a commitment to God that the next guy I go into a relationship with will be the one I marry, and I refuse to allow myself to get to that point unless I am absolutely sure that he's the one. I also told God in my anguish that if he wants me to remain single forever I would do so. And since that point there have been many times where I felt at peace with that...unfortunately for my emotions this is not one of those times. But that just means I must remain vigilant in my commitment to wait on God's timing. I believe that if he has someone for me, he will reveal it to me in due time, and I don't need to do anything. I've had many others tell me my standards are too high, that I'm never going to meet the man I desire, that I need to encourage them more, I've heard it all. Sometimes I grow weary of defending myself, and it causes my faith in God's promises to falter. So for any of you out there reading this who have discouraged me, please STOP. I'm done trying to be who everyone else thinks I should be. It's time to be me and just simply me. If a guy isn't man enough to pursue me, he isn't man enough to have me. I want a guy who will fight for me, who will stand up and be a man when he needs to. This world is filled with too many little boys living in grown up bodies, and I refuse to pursue one of these little boys because they won't pursue me. Is that wrong of me? Some say yes, others tell me I'm right on. But I don't care anymore what anyone else says. I know what God has told me and I'm sticking to it. If that means I wait another 10 years (Dear Lord, please no) ....I will....reluctantly, but I will. If that means I must remain single then so be it. I will simply move to Africa and be a mommy to the many orphans that don't have mommies there. In fact I might do so if I have to wait 10 years, or if I have to wait 10 months.

I don't know everything, but I do know that I'm done listening to others, I'm done feeling lonely and sorry for myself, I'm done living a stressful life. Like Miley Cyrus sings...very badly I might add, "Life's what you make it". and I'm going to make it an adventure...an adventure that God uses to impact eternity...